I don’t know if I can yell any louder
How many times I’ve kicked you outta here?
Or said something insulting?
I can be so mean when I wanna be
I am capable of really anything
I can cut you into pieces
But my heart is broken
Please don’t leave me
Please don’t leave me
I always say how I don’t need you
But it’s always gonna come right back to this
Please, don’t leave me
How did I become so obnoxious?
What is it with you that makes me act like this?
I’ve never been this nasty
Can’t you tell that this is all just a contest?
The one that wins will be the one that hits the hardest
But baby I don’t mean it
I mean it, I promise
I forgot to say out loud how beautiful you really are to me
I cannot be without, you’re my perfect little punching bag
And I need you, I’m sorry ~Pink
Recently, I have learned of several couples I know filing for divorce. What I understand in these situations is that the separation is not about secretive or known crime, abuse or untreated drug or alcohol addictions. The stated irreconcilable differences are either about affairs and/or an unwillingness of both parties to face a history of festering wounds resulting from personal hurts,which have errupted in angry fights and one partner throwing the winning punch with the words ”I want a divorce.”
Pink seems to express the battle of the wills so well in the lyrics to Please, Don’t Leave Me. “Can’t you see this is all just a contest? The one that wins will be the one that hits the hardest.” While in any contest, there may very well be a winner judged by established criteria, there is also someone who experiences severe loss. And in divorce, where the battle is more about strong wills and a need to deemed right via winning, the losses incurred are often far more reaching than ever anticipated by either contestant, personally, positionally and time wise. Additionally, prospects of hope for repairing damage can look pretty bleak in the light of regret being recognized much too late.
In an effort to bring to the table a strong advocacy for consideration of what is at stake in the divorce contest, I have included a response to a friend regarding divorce. In the letter, advocating fighting for marriage is based on my belief that this institution, this covenant, is the spiritual and recognized sociological system where personal and interpersonal well-being are developed in a the microcosm of the primary care unit. Here the fulfilling of human needs of love and intimacy are provided in the context of familial relationships of husband, wife and children. In this haven, protection, safety and trust provide appropriate means for healthy mental, physical, emotional and social development for secure functioning in a larger context of society, as opposed to that of divorce, where broken attachments produce abandonment fear and children are at risk for the greater likelihood of growing up into combative relationship partners, not so much to keep the love they find, but because they are begging …Please, don’t leave me.
It is my hope that we will all take more seriously marriage and the call to relationship.
Dearest,
I appreciate so much your openness. I am so sorry for this pain. I can sense the helplessness at not knowing what to do. As you and your husband may feel as well, I often have a difficult time containing frustration at the cultural ease of ending marriage. The sense of self looms large as those in marital relationships find veneers of validation to leave one spouse in exchange for entitled hopes of seeking another who will center their life around us as we center it around ourself and …make us happy. And much of this comes out of two individuals unwilling to face themselves and their personal wounds – at the expense and loss of self and relationship. And the ones who pick up the tab with inflicted pain and the beginnings of psychological, emotional and spiritual damage are those new lives which have been created.
While I understand this marriage may end without miraculous intervention, it is my personal belief that it does not have to be made easy for the one wanting to end the marriage. Depending on the state laws, delay and deferral can make the process of divorce extensive bringing insurmountable frustration to the plans of the initiator. It is my belief, this, in itself may be a tool to buy time for an individual before finalizing an emotional decision to follow through with divorce. The extra time may alllow for realization the intervention and pursuit of the One that loves them most and a decision to seek relationship repair. Redemption has always been a battle…and there are times I feel we must be ready to face that fight.
As you can see, I feel strongly about this issue. Please accept it as my view and not one highly regarded by every professional or individual. But, I care deeply and hurt for your family. Please accept my heartfelt concern.
As Aways,
For the Support of Your Life
For the Many Sides of Life
Paulette Jackson TLPC/MHSP
facets@bellsouth.net
Facet for life: Winning a divorce settlement is a contradiction in terms.
The opinions expressed in The Conversant Counselor’s Blog are those belonging to Paulette Jackson TLPC/MHSP and do not necessarily reflect those of other professionals or individuals.
