Their ages are 26, 32, 37, 40 and 50. They are mature, bright, well-groomed, well-adjusted and morally upright individuals. They have skills, jobs and goals. Each one is considered by many, “a very good catch.” Each one is hopeful and desirous of being connected to a life partner, and they all echo the same frustration, “Will somebody please tell me what’s going on!” ”How is it that the guy/girl I perceive as less than eligible as a marriage partner has managed to fall in love, wed, have five kids and apparently live happily ever after and I’m still waiting?”
Well, while there are a lot of variables in the stated scenario, the question is valid and worthy of observation for the purpose of gaining perspective regarding the apparent irony for those individuals really wanting to live the age-old dream of marriage, settling down and raising a family, yet the hope of the fulfillment of that dream seems at worst an illusive fantasy and at best a brass ring consistently out of reach. What is there to do that hasn’t been tried?
In lieu formulating a plan, I thought it would be good to moderate our expectations and comparisons with some additional perspective in three areas; historically, culturally and individually.
Historically, Americans have married earlier with the median age being 21 for women and 25 for men, according to a 1946 Gallup Poll. Currently, the median age for marriage is the oldest since the U.S. census started keeping track in the 1890′s; 26 for women and 28 for men. This means that being single in our late 20′s and early 30′s is within a normal statistical range of current sociological trends.
Culturally, marriage serves more than one function. Although a recognized institution with a binding contract and recognized expectations, different individuals enter the union as a means to getting a variety of personal needs met or vehicle for achieving certain goals. This means that our own particular attachment to the meaning of the term of “marriage” , or value system, will be represented only in a percentage of all marriages. The balance will be representations exclusive to our value system. Comparing our personal marriage values and status to the composit whole of others who are married, is neither a fair nor reliable comparison.
Individually, Americans are finding marrying later, in their 30′s, to be a good thing. Criteria for postponing marriage includes completing advanced degrees and personal readiness. Couples marrying in the 30′s report higher marital quality, more cohesiveness and less consideration of divorce.
In summary, our take-away from the three previous points might be that as you live life and pursue dreams, honor the present. Take this single time to nurture your own understanding of marriage as a value system. Listed below are a few questions that might be helpful in synthesizing your own thoughts about marriage.
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What about marriage is desirable and attractive to me?
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How do I perceive being part of a couple and having children as a part of my life?
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What is my vision of marriage?
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Complete the following sentences regarding marriage:
The joy of marriage….
The challenge of marriage…
As a wife/husband, I…
When I think of a partner for myself…
As we add understanding to our personal constructs regarding marriage as a value system and begin to believe our views on marriage are somewhat jelled, we can then begin to look at how to put those views into the process of getting to know someone. What is helpful when getting to know someone with the intention of a long-term or permanent committment are the qualities which will support the relationship. Marriage researcher John Gottman has identified seven areas that define the well-being of a coupleship, listed below.
- Matches in conflict style: Couples in conflict naturally have a conflict dynamic and pattern. What Gottman reported as significant for sustaining happy and stable relationships was having a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interaction.
- Dialogue with perpetual issues: All couples appear to have issues that remain a perpetual problem. What makes the difference is the addressing together the perpetual problems.
- Happy couples present issues as joint problems and specific to one situation: Couple’s that are unhappy seem to present issues as parter personality problems.
- Successful repair attempts:Conflict is a part of relationships, even the best ones. The goal is not necessarily to avoid them, but to repair hurt and stay connected.
- Remaining psychologically calm during conflict: When we are aroused and feel overwhelmed by negative interaction, it is difficult to listen, understand and empathize. Creating peace opens the door to addressing conflict constructively.
- Accepting influence from one’s partner: Gottman reports findings that the man’s acceptance of influence from a female partner was critical to the functioning of a heterosexual relationship.
- Active building of friendship, intimacy and positive affect: When couples court, nurture, connect and play, they are happier!
While these seven areas are not boxes to be checked, it is my hope that understanding their role as significant in the functioning of marriage will bring perspective and balance to the historical, cultural and individual perspectives by depicting the marriage union as an active mutual participation in relationship development. In addition, we also simultaneously learn to take a few risks, develop trust, find safety, loyalty and learn what controls those attributes. It is the task of growing love that brings to the table a willingness to be vulnerable, to grow and learn through the grace of time.
What this can look like is that the person who becomes a husband or wife for us is less likely to be the one introduced to us with the immediate “thunder and lightning,” and more likely to be the one with whom there is a gentler familiarity. You know, the one we get to know over time, and find the slower pace quite comfortable as it also allows for a satisfying dimension of depth which we appreciate. Love grows slowly and we feel safe. And then, when the time comes that we are ready to consider a wedding ring, the connection will be clear when we make the call.
Might I not then say “Now I love you best”
When I was certain o’er incertainty,
Crowning the present, doubting the rest?
Love is a babe, then might I not say so
To give full growth to that which still doth grow
~The Sonnets by William Shakespeare No. 115
For the Support of Your Life
For the Many Sides of Life
Paulette Jackson MA
facets@bellsouth.net
The thoughts and opinions expressed in The Conversant Counselor’s Blog are those belonging to Paulette Jackson MA and do not necessarily reflect the views of any other professional or individual.
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