‘Change is never fine. Everyone says it is, but it’s not.” Many of you may recognize this famous line by Sheldon Cooper, one of the stars of television’s The Big Bang Theory. Sheldon is the eccentric genius whose resistance to change and rigid adherence to symmetry in all areas of life has resulted in comical dialogue and a winning show for going on five seasons.
If you are a fan of the series, you may also know that Sheldon made significant progress in season four, where a forced acceptance of unwanted change led to his revengeful attempt to try and create a new circle of friends. His impulsive response of reason was ”Change is a part of life.” But Sheldon’s attempt at throwing a party and making new friends was an unsuccessful trial, because for Sheldon, these new friends “were having fun wrong”.
I don’t care much for change myself. Well, let me put it another way. I enjoy change when it is my choice or I control it. When other people or particular areas of life change, I get nervous. The reason? Well, John Gottman, marriage researcher tells us that 90% of all of our issues are history, only 10% have anything to do with the present. If that is true, it is easy to observe for me, that my 90% is a result of having moved almost every year or two from the age of two until I was married. Also having divorced parents since the age of two, and experiencing the attachment and loss of several short-term romantic partners of both my parents before either one of them remarried, did predispose in me a biased response to change, particularly regarding relationships and moving.
Thanksgiving will be here in just a few days and many of us are excitedly anticipating the celebration. My family is too. I have to admit, there has been a bit of anxiety surrounding the holiday for me and my family. This will be the first year that the holiday is not ”Jackson centric”. As I have mentioned, our daughter married recently into a wonderful family, and a relatively large one. In wanting to accommodate both the bride and groom’s families, our daughter and son-in-law are hosting Thanksgiving at their house for about twenty people. Only three of those are Jackson’s. This is new territory indeed!
As I have thought about it, I realized my fear was about being overwhelmed with lots of people I don’t know very well and not fitting in. I keep thinking about the movie, Big Fat Greek Wedding, where Toula (Nia Vardalos) marries Ian Miller, the only child of a quiet, reserved couple. When Toula’s family throws a huge party for the two families to meet, Ian’s parents politely attend bringing a bundt cake dessert offering. In contrast to the festive backdrop of this Greek family celebration, this bund-T cake is perceived as strange - more like a decorative hors d’oeuvre rather than a valid meal contribution to the Greek smorgasbord.
Ian’s parents find themselves quite aghast with the number of family members, the amount of food, particularly beef, the alcohol and how many males were named Nick. But after repeated toasts and “Oompah! ” they both pass initiation into the family and all the Greek hoopla! The film is funny and has me considering whether or not my husband and I should show up at Thanksgiving with a bund-T cake.
There is no denying change is hard, particularly for some of us. Getting to know new people, new environments, and different routines all require risks of learning to relate to varying aspects of life in a new way. It can feel threatening and vulnerable. In those threatening and vulnerable places, it can be self-protective to think about the risks of change through a lens of negative cognition in what is termed, negative automatic thoughts, such as fear of additional loss, rejection, failure and …pain.
In order to address these automatic thoughts, it is helpful to think of the “what else could happen” or other outcomes. When we consider that taking risks might also lead us to some enjoyable relationships, activities and successes, it can help us to understand that experiencing new things for a change can be positive. And even if we are uncomfortable with our experience, the likelihood is that we feel good about ourselves for trying. Just trying may inspire us with ideas for other options for what we would like to do. And that can result in a healthy development of learning to take risks, to trust and grow.
My family has been making plans for how to engage comfortably and successfully with our new Thanksgiving celebration. We feel good about taking the steps to do what we need to do to “attune” or take care of the transition, including checking in with everyone about expectations, feelings and yes, fears. It is quite helpful.
So, I’ve almost finished shopping for all of the ingredients for what I’m bringing to the table of bounty. I’m looking forward to getting to know my daughter’s in-laws better and see my daughter in the role of hostess. It is a passing of the torch in many ways, and since I raised her, I think I can feel confident she will be a beautiful hostess. I believe as well the change in our celebration will be fine and I seriously doubt anyone will go home and say “they were having fun wrong.”
I wish you all a very happy Thanksgiving and thank you so much for letting me share these conversations with you.
facets for life: I’m so thankful the Pilgrims were willing to take risks to change and to trust…
For the support of Your Life
For the Many Sides of Life
Paulette Jackson MA
facets@bellsouth.net
The opinions expressed in The Conversant Counselor’s Blog are those belonging to Paulette Jackson MA and do not necessarily belong to any other professional or individual.
