O God, give the players sweetness and weal
And for the tabbla, give them hands of steel.

For their love, they sacrifice every limb
Of limbs O God, please give them a great deal.

These messengers of love filled our ears
Grant them seeing eyes and thy Royal Seal.

These lovebirds sing and cry out their love
Grace them with the patience that would heal.

In thy praise, they have filled many ears
You too praise their praise and their zeal.

They quenched the thirst of heart’s flower
Let the full moon in their skies reel and wheel.

I am silent, please speak to me thy will
For they say you give thus, and thus steal.

O God, all I ask for in both worlds
Like Shams, let me shine, be and feel.
~Rumi 155 

I believe one of the picturesque sights to behold is a full moon. Wouldn’t you agree?  I have sat  many times in wonder looking at that big circle of beauty that wraps  my world in its light, inspiring romance, peace and transcendence. When I take the time to stand or sit in its presence, I am immediately drawn into an awareness of the gifts of beauty I have been lovingly given – gifts that exist for my pleasure and remind me of a bigger picture and a bigger purpose we are a part of.

For a couple of more months, the grey blanket of our southerneastern winter will continue to cover nature in a gentle rest of reflection, while also nurturing the ground with hope for the future.  During this season, the chilly nights with their starry skies often provide a grand stage for the moon in a performance of brilliant fullness. February 7 is when she is scheduled for her next appearance. If the conditions are right, I hope you will go and sit with her and be reminded of the sacredness and hope of your life, and just how much you are loved – so much so -  that God has given you the moon…So play.

facet for life: Beauty has its purposes, which, all our lives and at every season, it is  our opportunity, and our joy to divine…
~Mary Oliver

For the Support of Your Life
For the Many Sides of Life
Paulette Jackson
facets@bellsouth.net

The thoughts and opinions expressed in The Conversant Counselor’s Blog are those belonging to Paulette Jackson MA and do not necessarily reflect those of any other professional or individual.

tabbla: a drum
sham: sun
 Image above may be found at:  
3.bp.blogspot.com/…/s1600/winter-moon.jpg

Broken sticks and broken stones
Will turn to dust just like our bones
It’s words that hurt the most now isn’t it
Are you sad inside, are you home alone
If I could just pick up the phone
Maybe you could see a better day
And you won’t waste away under my watchful eye
Because I’m your hero and you’re my weakness

Who’s gonna break my fall
When the spinning starts
The colors bleed together and fade
Was it ever there at all
Or have I lost my way
The path of least resistance Is catching up with me again today

I’m broken down, not good enough
The broken promises add up
To twice their weight in tears which I have caused
I’m afraid to sink, I’m afraid to swim
I’m sad to say I miss my friends
I know that I’m supposed to step away
But they need me to stay and keep a watchful eye
On all my heroes and all their demons

But who’s gonna break my fall When the spinning starts
The colors bleed together and fade Was it ever there at all
Or have I lost my way
The path of least resistance
Is catching up with me again today

Not today
Not today

The picture of the bouganvilla is one that I nourished a couple of years ago. These colorful outdoor plants are my favorite. While initially their beauty draws us to them, it is their other qualities that reveal their beauty to be part of a meaningful and metaphorical existence.

A favored plant in Texas, they are heat tolerant and drought resistant. In fact, the hotter it is the better they love it. And as long as it is warm and they are watered and fed, they will grow and bloom prolifically all year. Their colors are expressed in vibrant shades of pink, purple and white and their blooms are protected with a thorn that will have any gardener taking precaution before getting too familiar with the vines.  Supported by arbors or stakes, they will forge to great heights bringing  images of  strong color and courageous texture able to hold their own among any garden or elaborate landscaping. And today they offer a focus for forgiveness; when it’s not today.

In the previous blog, I addressed forgiveness and the freedom it offers us to begin again.  For many of us, finding and receiving forgiveness for ourselves,  our own regrets or even for others who, may have been a part in changing the course of  our lives without so much as asking our permission, gives us the freedom to live our lives without harboring resentment. But for others of us, a question may linger regarding individuals in our experience, who played particular roles in changing the course of our lives, yet have never sought forgiveness or repair. How do we make peace with that?

In addressing this question, my perspective will offer an admitted bias biopsychologoically, socially, spiritually and personally.  While it is my hope that it is a helpful and healing response, it is one that readers may feel free to take what works for them and leave what doesn’t.

From a biopsychological perspective, it might be helpful to understand how our emotional conflicts and hurts are rooted and wired. From a psychodynamic and Imago perspective, we know that 90% of our issues are rooted in history, only 10% has anything to do with what is currently taking place.

Simplistically, we can speak of our emotional processing in our brains as consisting in three parts; a conscious, an unconscious and the biological aspect of the autonomic nervous system regulating the emotional queuing, interpretation and response.

The conscious part of the brain is the cerebral cortex and this is considered the decision maker of the brain. It has the ability to be intentional, rational, choiceful, self-aware, reflective and self-observant. It is that part of our brain that interacts with language and symbols, science, literature and art.

The unconscious of the brain where our emotions are interpreted. It includes what is called the HPA Axis; Hypothalmic-Pituitary-Adrenal. Here is where the memory and content of our lives is circulating, in the form of “prototypes”  which act as interpreters for subsequent experiences. The Hippocampus is the what is considered the key structure for both emotional and verbal memory. The amygdala is the structure creating memory, emotional content of memory and the feeling responses to those memories. The limbic system plays a primary role for information and regulation of memory and associated emotions.

The biological part of the brain involved with our emotions is the autonomic system including both the parasympathetic and sympathetic nervous system. The sympathetic nervous system can be described as the accelerator, fight-or-flight, and the parasympathetic can be described as the brake, regulating salivation, tears, urination, digestion and defecation.

From a psycho-social perspective, the first time we enter the world in utero, we begin emotional attachments. Once we arrive outside the uterus we begin physically interacting with the world. Beginning with our parents first, we begin forming organizational principles by which we learn to attach meaning to people, symbols, behaviors and events contributing to the course of life.  These interactions along with the organizational structures become the memory “lesson plans”  and a trajectory for our relational dynamics and their meaning, both personally and interpersonally.

It is through the messages a child receives via parental/social interaction, sight, hearing and feeling, that he or she learns a language for feelings of acceptance, rejection, comfort, aloneness,  joy, being wanted or unwanted. In acquiring the language of feelings, the child learns by participation, observation, instruction or intuition, how to respond or react to the messages surrounding behaviors and feelings . The stimulus received by the child will be followed by a biological response from the body with either a  fight or flight or a regulating response taking place. This biological sequencing contributes heavily to the personal and interpersonal shaping of  individual functioning in familial and social contexts.

At a young age, a child has received enough messages in the form of stimuli influencing his or her behavior to have established dynamics and patterns that will be considered part of the identity and personality. Socially, this translates to mean that if the stimulus-response messages received by a child interpret behaviors to mean he is loved, and is safe to trust feeling loved and accepted by mom and dad, a memory prototype will be created, consequently acting as a script informing the child to respond with the same feelings of comfort and acceptance in a larger context of  social settings.

Conversely, the opposite is also likely. This translates to mean that if a child experiences behaviors that he/she learns to mean rejection in the form of criticism, blame or shame, then he or she will also create a memory prototype which will inform the child that specific behaviors  equal rejection and to respond to criticism, blame and shame as statements of rejection.

It is the accumulation of these memories in the form of historical data that is what we understand to be responsible for that 90% of our adult issues.

This means from a sociological perspective that when we become adults, the dynamics and patterns that became the memory prototypes are the ones we have responded to, consciously or unconsciously, throughout our life. For many individuals, these responses have been strengthened over time by psychologically defending them, with the result being  the consequential personal and interpersonal dynamics and patterns. For others, conscious recognition that the childhood responses no longer work  as an adult, may have instituted adaptive responses for relating more effectively in given circumstances. Still others, recognizing that life seemed to be terribly out of sync somehow may seek professional help and begin to take steps to learn how we are made and where our wounds and hurts occur in our history, so for the purpose of healing, can learn to relate differently, personally and interpersonally.

Spiritually, it is also recognized that these attachment dynamics and patterns from childhood shape not only personal relationships, but spiritual ones as well. Our family influence, because of the adult/child power imbalance, teaches us how to respond to figures with perceived power, including authority, gender and divinities. Many individuals as adults, realize that responses to bosses are similar to how they responded to parents. Attitudes and behaviors within families also contribute significantly to shaping the God image and responses to that image, of person,  character, and relationship.

In summary up to this point, regarding forgiveness: when it’s not today, we can extrapolate that each person in a relationship comes to the table with similar contributing facets of life, and relationship issues are largely the results of the interacting historical negative unconscious messages or “wounds”  of the  individuals.

Within relationships, this resulting interaction or conflict from negative wounds is referred to as being triggered. An example is when husband voices a criticism to his wife and it “triggers” a negative feeling similar to that of one felt in a childhood situation and she responds in the same manner as she did as child. To go a bit further, we could predict that if an individual felt unwanted and screamed as a child, it is safe to predict that yelling would be a familiar “skill” as an adult. If running away when feeling unwanted was a childhood response, we might safely predict as well a similar response as an adult, perhaps in the form feel leaving, even if temporarily, as an adult.

If couples can get professional help and begin to understand their own history  and how to find new ways of managing the hurt and healing the wound, it is possible for conflict to be dealt with less intensity. It doesn’t mean we  “stuff” our emotions. It means that we learn to recognize them and address them so they do less damage. Hopefully, it also means we learn greater  understanding in general, and have fewer conflicts, more effective communication.

Personally, my own journey as an adult has included gaining understanding of the above perspectives. As an adult I realized that history sent many good messages, and many wounding ones as well.  The good messages became what I have relied on as skills in life. The wounding ones eventually became recognized as places that needed healing and I am grateful for the gentle and caring individuals, who are of help to me in this area.

For the remainder of this article I want to offer three perspective: a historical perspective so to understand that resolving conflict and trying to achieve a sense of rightness/justice and/ or peace is not new and two  spiritual perspectives about what forgiveness means as a value system in the function of  resolving conflict.

If we look back historically at the 9th century AD, we would learn that the Norse gods had a respected world view for resolving conflict. Although not progressive in nature, the system recognized the value of the human glory as a foundational virtue. Apart from a universal God, this virtue is referred to as unaided human achievement.  Mans’ virtue rests only in strength for being able to fight the gods, and keep them at bay, holding off destruction for one more day.  One may defend self or the family honor, but there is no future or redemption. In the end everybody dies, and the gods win – and that’s all folks. There was no other way.

Another way that did come along and one which I have written about previously, offers forgiveness in contrast to human achievement. Understood of as a conditional social act, the first models, presented below, are from Popular Opinions, (1946) by Dorothy Sayers, theologian and essayest. Validating a relative compassion for others,  repentance and conditional reconciliation, they serve, in my opinion,  generally as an example contrary to forgiveness as a virtue.

1.  There is the Christian forgiveness which says: “I will forgive you as a Christian, but I will never speak to you again.”
2. There is the Priggish forgiveness which says: “I will forgive you, and I will pray for you.”
3. There is the Conditional Forgiveness: “I will forgive you on the condition that you will never do that again.”

Finally, yet another perspective of forgiveness also came along. Also explained by Dorothy Sayers, this offer of another way, is one of mystery and sacrifice. Not about demanding repentance, restitution or promising to never offend again, neither is it blind to repair or the need for measures to prevent future damage.  Neither a conditional social act, but a framework for re-establishing relationship, the fourth forgiveness offers choice,

• “Is there anything in our minds that will prevent a re-establishment of right relationship?”
•  If  the answer is yes, the opportunity of relationship is forfeited at that time.
•  If the is answer no, forgiveness and the gift of relationship is accepted.

This view, one that is rooted in the willingness to sacrifice for the sake of another, is the gift modeled by Jesus Christ, bearer the penalty of sacrifice for sin, relieving mankind from the responsibility and the consequence of sin – that of an eternity separated from God. As a result of this One’s death on the cross, obligation from penalty was voluntarily discharged. This is  compassion at the most vulnerable level.

In this view, what becomes central is me. Yep. It’s all about me. I am the only one who can change circumstances by addressing me. I can only control me. I can show up. I can tell the truth without judgment or blame. I can pay attention to what has meaning. I can release the outcome.

As well as me, what else becomes central is my attitudes, thoughts and feelings. Am I critical? Do I express contempt? Am I defensive? Am I stonewalling?

Generally speaking;  me, my wounds, my spirit, my heart and my soul are in my jurisdiction. And I have a choice.  I can be Norse – like and defend my honor! Yeah, but everybody still dies in the end and there is no future or redemption.  I can also receive another way, the mystery of sacrifice, and with grace accept that God was so head over heels  in love with me that came to pursue me when I could have cared less.  And without any visible sign of hopeful return of my love, He lovingly provided for my future and redemption.

Finding a sense of justice for the pain or rejection I have received from others who seem to remain oblivious to the knowledge that my wounds could be healed and I could move on with my life if they would only ask for forgiveness, might be found in the Norse choice. I could say, “Yeah. It’s every man for himself. No future. No redemption.  Just save me and my feelings”.  And in choosing this, it would be,  in my mind,  where the path of least resistance catches up to me.

The other option is  sacrifice,  “compassion to everyone, even where it’s not wanted, because we never know what wars are going on down there where the spirit meets the bone.”  This is the soul confronting choice, because means that I am no longer asking those who hurt me to be accountable for my pain.  The focus is on forgiveness,  given to me and wanting it for others.

Then, on the days when my spirit wilts and I wonder about all of the what if’s and whose gonna break my fall when the spinning starts and the colors bleed together and fade, was it ever there at all,  have I lost my way or my mind – and I feel the path of least resistance is  catching up with me again – then, on those days – this option of sacrifice and forgiveness received is what gives me permission to respond with the hope of future and redemption and I can say …Not today…Not today…and in a way not at all unlike that bouganvilla.

I hope this additional perspective is helpful.

For the Support of Your Life
For the Many Sides of Life

Paulette Jackson
facets@bellsouth.net

The opinions expressed in The Conversant Counselor’s Blog are those belonging to Paulette Jackson and do not necessarily belong to any other professional or individual.

Lyrics: Path of Least Resistance/Brandi Carlile

]]> http://facetsofcounseling.wordpress.com/2012/01/16/forgiveness-when-its-not-today/feed/ 0 paulettejackson OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA http://facetsofcounseling.wordpress.com/2012/01/05/forgiveness-the-starting-of-over-again/ http://facetsofcounseling.wordpress.com/2012/01/05/forgiveness-the-starting-of-over-again/#comments Thu, 05 Jan 2012 19:56:24 +0000 Paulette Jackson http://facetsofcounseling.wordpress.com/?p=1686 ]]>

Take 2. Rewind. Reboot. Refresh. Clean slate. Blank page. New game. New inning. Do Over.  Change Course. Change Lanes. New Line on the Horizon. Take another run at it.

Starting over. These two words, often expressed in a variety of colloquialisms are familiar to most of us. We tend to hear them, particularly every January, spoken in reference to  New Year’s Resolutions with statements declaring  a new start to the year with a clean slate by initiating of variety of  behaviors such as improve relationships, get healthy, balance my life, get organized, get taxes done before April 15,  etc.  Ushered in by the turning of the calendar page, this cultural ritual offers everyone who participates an opportunity to renew hope for desired changes in various aspects of life.  Described in a wide range of vernacular, the meaning of starting over is one that seems to be translated universally - that of forgiving  and beginning again.

Forgiving to begin again. I have been ruminating about this lately. It “came to me”, slowly now that I reflect on it, that in order to have the motivation for making the effort to do something different or try again, requires, for me, forgiveness…from anger, resentment, guilt, regret, jealousy and failure  – to name a few things I am aware of in my own life. When my heart, soul and spirit are preoccupied with these things and the events that they are tied to, then I am just that – preoccupied with and focused on those things. But when my spirit, heart and soul can receive forgiveness and accept those sorrows, often in the form of losses, I’ve noticed I can have a sense of peace about what I feel I have lost and what I miss.  

With a sense of forgiveness received and peace about the lost and the missed, I now have both emotional and mental freedom as well as permission to focus and pursue new beginnings. It seems too, that in receiving forgiveness, I also receive motivation for starting over and finding new beginnings. The willingness and desire to recreate the joys that I felt were taken from me, returns.  I believe this is what is called healing! 

As many might agree, who have experienced healing from losses and the feelings that present themselves, the healing can be unimaginably painful. My experience is that it includes not only recovery, but a great deal of personal work and reorganization of one’s whole self. The joys however bring unexpected wonders and a sense of love, belonging and often times a giddiness and amazement regarding the following of Love.

A recent film that brought this home to me was the 2011 Steven Spielberg science fiction movie, Super 8.  Starring Joel Courtney, Elle Fanning and Kyle Chandler, the story is about a group of teenagers who are filming their own Super 8 movie to be entered in a local film festival. While shooting the film, a passing train offers a great fx op. Instead of enhancing the fx, the train derails when a truck drives in its path. Massive explosions result from the derailment,  followed by an annihilating destruction leaving scattered wreckage that can now only be described as undiscernible. But from one of the train cars, something escaped.

In the aftermath of the wreck, the teenagers, who survived, find strange white cubes littered over the landscape. These little white cubes turn out to be the belongings of the something, that escaped from the train car. Dubbed  ”Cooper” and described as an extraterrestrial alien spider whose spaceship craft crashed to the earth in 1958, his plan was to use the white cubes called shapeshifters to rebuild his craft and return home.

But rebuilding “Cooper’s” space craft was instead, interrupted when he was captured, imprisoned and tortured by the Air Force who wanted to steal the alien’s technology. Prevented from his pursuit of getting home, ”Cooper” became angry and destructive to humans. Through  the telepathic connection of one of the teenagers, named Joe, was it learned that “Cooper” only wanted to return home – where he belonged.  Connection established, Joe was able to communicate with “Cooper” the compassionate assurance that not everyone was trying to hurt him and he had the permission to build his spaceship to go home – which he does.

The film is a great one to watch, full of entertaining action, suspense and fun for ages 13 and up in my opinion. It brings to light to the realities of life – loss, longing, feeling unaccepted, alone and in pain. It demonstrates as well that without compassion to heal wounds, defense mechanisms of hostility, anger, control, withdrawal, distance and cutoff run rampant.  But with the gift of compassion comes safety, acceptance, trust and vulnerability.  And with those gifts come forgiveness – the very starting of over again. It is the freedom to begin and to keep going –   to be, to do and to find the love we long for. And really, doesn’t that also mean we find our way back home again?

Below is a poem sent to me by Tobi Fishel Ph.D. entitled Instruction in Joy, by Nancy Shaffer. It is about the need, the joy and the hope of starting over.

Because we spill not only milk
Knocking it over with an elbow
When we reach to wipe a small face
But also spill seed on soil we thought was fertile but isn’t
And also spill whole lives, and only later see in fading light
How much is gone and we hadn’t intended it
Because we tear not only cloth
Thinking to find a true edge and instead making only a hole
But also tear friendships when we grow
And whole mountainsides because they are so many
And we want to live right where black oaks lived,
Once very quietly and still
Because we forget not only what we are doing in the kitchen
And have to go back to the room we were in before,
Remember why it was we left
But also forget entire lexicons of joy
And how we lost ourselves for hours
Yet all that time were clearly found and held
And also forget the hungry not at our table
Because we weep not only at jade plants caught in freeze
And precious papers left in rain
But also at legs that no longer walk
Or never did, although from the outside they look like most others
And also weep at words said once as though
they might be rearranged but which
Once loose, refuse to return and we are helpless
Because we are imperfect and love so
Deeply we will never have enough days,
We need the gift of starting over, beginning
Again: Just this constant good, this
Saving hope.

I wish you all a blessed New Year of  forgiveness and the joy of  the starting of over again and taking another run at …the many facets of life.

For the Support of Your Life
for the Many Sides of Life
Paulette Jackson MA
facets@bellsouth.net

The thoughts and opinions expressed in The Conversant Counselor’s Blog are those belonging to Paulette Jackson MA and do not necessarily reflect those of any other professional or individual.

It came from the adjoining bedroom.  A voice called, summoning Ebenezer Scrooge out of his sleep.  “Come in Ebenezer Scrooge! I await you!” Another yet annoying interruption, foretold in a dream of hallucinating proportions was rudely disrupting his sleep. It was also threatening to sabotage the safety measures he had taken on behalf of his heart; to defend it with resilient callous, buffered from pain – like that he was currently experiencing with in his soul; a confrontation with three mediums in the form of specters, ghosts of his past, present and future, apparently sent to insure the removal of the substantial gauntlet surrounding his heart and to introduce him to a life for celebration, which up until this point, was quite unfamiliar.

 Reluctant and fearful, Scrooge obeys.  Entering the adjoining bedroom, he is met with the laughter of welcome, by one wearing a velvet robe, a wreath adorning his head and surrounded by a table abundant with food and drink. And this ghost, named the Spirit of Christmas Present, who has called Ebenezer by name, extends to him an invitation of welcome to the joy and the sacrament of life, and He does so by saying, “Come in! Come and know me better!”

This Christmas is finally here. In the midst of wrapping up the year, no doubt there will be ruminations and worries about the past, the present and the future. My hope for you is, like Ebenezer Scrooge, you will find any callous of heart, softened because the Author of life has called you by name. It is my hope as well that you experience a wonder of newness in response to the same One, who enjoys you and welcomes you with open arms and laughter saying “Come in! I await you!”

A very Merry Christmas to all of you!

facet for life: Know the true nature of your Beloved in His loving eyes your every thought, word and movement is always, always, beautiful. ~ Hafiz

For the Support of Your Life
 For the Many Sides of Life.
Paulette Jackson MA

The thoughts and opinions expressed in The Conversant Counselor’s Blog are those belonging to Paulette Jackson MA and do not necessarily reflect those of any other individual or professional.

The Companion
~ Paulette Jackson

I understand you have known sorrow and loss
The countless days of unrelenting anguish
continue their tally of accumulating despair
and register in your soul

I see you standing there,
The gaze from your eyes and a faint smile of invitation
couches an offer of comfort. The pain is too deep.

The salve of healing and the gauze of protection
 have muffled the cries of torment
The bandages are clean, revealing only repair, remedy
so the bleeding goes unnoticed

A look of reserve paints your appearance for others
whose sorrow has passed
and whose company has been taken from you.

But you do not take leave of your burdens
For since the beginning
you have shared intimately,
so they have travelled with you.

You, the dancer,
whose understanding of the music once mentored others -
with skillful motion and feet so secure -
now stumble and falter as broken and unfitting

Is this the tender hand of The One who has called,
a feeling rough and harsh…a painful touch called Love?

“There is nothing lost that cannot be found” whispers the voice of the poet
with this borage drink offering from the Queene

Hell’s fires redeem the wilderness
leaving smoke to hedge sorrow
and the promise of a dwelling comes in a cloud.

Stillness is the sanctuary
that conveys us
to undoing – to end -
and to the full embrace of finding …beginning

For the Support of Your Life
Fore the Many Sides of Life
Paulette Jackson
facets@bellsouth.net

The thoughts and opinions expressed in The Conversant Counselor’s blog are those belonging to Paulette Jackson MA and do not necessarily reflect those of any other professional or individual.

Come climb the hill with me
Come and be still with me
Come watch the sun sink away
If you will with me

Into the peace of these wild things
Into the wild of this grace
Into this grace of this blessing
Speak in the peace of this place
~Andrew Petersen

The Christmas season has begun as of a few days ago, ushered in at midnight when the flag signaling the arrival of Black Friday dropped and thousands of racing competitors around the country bolted through the gates of starting barrier doors of local retail outlets in a “run for the boses” electronics hoping to be fast enough to acquire one of the limited quantities of advertised items and then successfully cross the finish line at the checkout winning the paper medal of a register receipt for “getting a huge discount” on their “stuff”.

And now we turn our attention to celebrating the peace of Christmas, the birth of a redeemer and the hope of mankind in a season we often refer to as – sanctuary – a term generally defined as a place of safety and refuge, although ironically appears historically and culturally to be more closely associated with conflict and chaos.

 Looking at Greek Mythology, Jewish and Christian history, we can read that sanctuary has consistently been expressed in worship to communicate with various gods or the one God, for the purpose of finding wisdom in remaining true to one’s beliefs, even when forbidden to do so by opposition.

According to Greek mythology, the genesis of the world is explained as that of chaos. The birth of cultural gods, heroes and monsters created a theogany of characters helping to explain the origin of human woes in a comprehensive and literal myth. Out of belief in these myths, many sanctuaries of refuge for worship of the Greek gods were built.

In Jewish history we understand that the corresponding holiday to the protestant Christmas, is Hanukkah, in memory of deliverance from Greek-Syrian invaders, who defiled the Temple of Jerusalem leaving only enough oil to light the temple menorah for only one day. In faith the lamps were lit. Miraculously they burned for eight days until more oil could be brought to the temple, a sign that God honored faith and courage of the people. The temple, which embodies the Jewish faith and concept of sanctuary, was restored.

The Jewish/Hebrew term for sanctuary is DIVRI, meaning orator and consisting of the Hebrew letters dalet, yud, beit and resh. The combination of the four letters gives us a larger picture of the word sanctuary.

• Dalet means door or opening. The letter’s construction is shaped with meaning of loving-kindness and wisdom.
• Yud means hand. It symbolizes wisdom developing into understanding.
• Beit means home or container, a picture of a house being built with wisdom and suggesting a foundation of wealth, seed, life, dominance, peace and grace by the One who has known cared for and transformed.
• Resh, literally means,  there is a beginning. It suggests the meticulousness of work and the means by which God created the universe.

Putting the meaning of these letters together, we have a picture of sanctuary as a sacred place. It exists as a foundation for how we build our lives. It is this foundation that houses the spirit of the One who has guided with loving-kindness and wisdom from the beginning and continues to be our beginning – each time we enter sanctuary. 

From a Christian or Protestant perspective, this season is celebrated as Christmas, the birth of Spiritual sanctuary, the day the long-awaited arrival of the prophesied Son of God, and Prince of Peace, Jesus, came to the world in the tiny town of Bethlehem. He is recognized as the promised Savior Who would redeem humanity from sin through His death and open the door to eternal life as mediator beweeen God and man.

He came in the midst of chaos – tax season – where everyone had to show up to be counted. No pardons were available, not even for even the mother of Jesus, who at the time, was about to give birth. Born in a barn and cradled in a feeding trough, this gift to humanity became familiar with unjust accommodations that would surround him, not only at birth, but for the rest of His life. During His short time on earth He brought love, compassion and the message of eternal hope to the humanity He came to save. To the political authorities, He brought threat, and they would vow from His birth, to avenge this competitor with death. And 33 years after His birth, a cruel death was accomplished.

It was a crucifixion that found this Son of God, Redeemer and Lover of mankind, hung up on a cross beam dropped in a hole in the ground like a fence post setting. He was laughed at, spat on, stabbed and broken, so onlookers could jeer that  – while He save others, Himself He could not save. And the cry heard from the so called political threat and the one offering eternal sanctuary for His judgers, “Father, forgive them, they don’t know what they are doing”.

And so yes, this is the season of sanctuary. Whether we celebrate it as the story of Christmas, Hanukkah or Renewal, the message of the story is familiar across culture and history. Life is demanding, hard and crowded with difficulty and pain.  Life is also full of hope and redemption in the midst of difficulty and pain. And in every story, we find the provision of sanctuary, a place of peace wherever we are, no matter how small it may be.

In the children’s book series, A Series of Unfortunate Events, by author Daniel Handler, we learn the story of the Baudelaire youngsters, three children orphaned after a house fire killed their parents. Their story is not a happy one. “Not only is there no happy ending, there is no happy beginning and very few happy things in the middle. This is because not very many happy things happened the lives of the three Baudelaire youngsters.” But – these children were the sort of children who knew there was always something – something to do to make a sanctuary – no matter how small.

As the Christmas season begins, there are those we know and those we love whose lives are not happy ones. I imagine each of us could name a sadness or a difficulty present in our lives. It is my hope that as we enter this season that in many ways may be filled with its own chaos, that you will join me into the peace of these wild things, into the wild of this grace and know the  blessing of this sacred season of sanctuary…no matter how small.

Facet for Life:

Could Be Lifted 
~Hafiz
If you knew the end of your story, nothing on any page – not one of your dramas, could bother you as much

If you knew the glorious end of your journey, at least half of your attention could be lifted from anything you can now focus on that may cause you pain

His hand is like that, when it is realized near, it will always turn your gaze in the direction of more light

For the Support of Your Life
For the Many Sides of Life
Paulette Jackson MA
facets@bellsouth.net

The sunset image above may be found at www.hikingnature.com
The art image of the Hebrew word DIVRI may be found at Hebrewletters.com by Sarah Leah

The thoughts and opinions expressed in The Conversant Counselor’s Blog are those belonging to Paulette Jackson MA and do not necessarily reflect those of any other professional or individual.

‘Change is never fine. Everyone says it is, but it’s not.” Many of you may recognize this famous line by Sheldon Cooper, one of the stars of television’s The Big Bang Theory. Sheldon is the eccentric genius whose resistance to change and rigid adherence to symmetry in all areas of life has resulted in comical dialogue and a winning show for going on five seasons.

If you are a fan of the series, you may also know that Sheldon made significant progress in season four, where a forced acceptance of unwanted change led to his revengeful attempt to try and create a new circle of friends. His impulsive response of reason was ”Change is a part of life.”  But Sheldon’s attempt at throwing a party and making  new friends was an unsuccessful trial, because for Sheldon, these new friends “were having fun wrong”.

I don’t care much for change myself. Well, let me put it another way. I enjoy change when it is my choice or I control it. When other people or particular areas of life change, I get nervous. The reason? Well, John Gottman, marriage researcher tells us that 90% of all of our issues are history, only 10% have anything to do with the present. If that is true, it is easy to observe for me, that my 90% is a result of having moved almost every year or two from the age of two until I was married. Also having divorced parents since the age of two, and experiencing the attachment and loss of several short-term romantic partners of both my parents before either one of them remarried, did predispose in me a biased response to change,  particularly regarding  relationships and moving.

Thanksgiving will be here in just a few days and many of us are excitedly anticipating the celebration. My family is too. I have to admit, there has been a bit of anxiety surrounding the holiday for me and my family. This will be the first year that the holiday is not ”Jackson centric”. As I have mentioned, our daughter married recently into a wonderful family, and a relatively large one. In wanting to accommodate both the bride and groom’s families, our daughter and son-in-law are hosting Thanksgiving at their house for about twenty people. Only three of those are Jackson’s.  This is new territory indeed!

As I have thought about it, I realized my fear was about being overwhelmed with lots of people I don’t know very well and not fitting in. I keep thinking about the movie, Big Fat Greek Wedding, where Toula (Nia Vardalos) marries Ian Miller, the only child of a quiet, reserved couple. When Toula’s family throws a huge party for the two families to meet, Ian’s parents politely attend bringing a bundt cake dessert offering. In contrast to the festive backdrop of this Greek family celebration, this bund-T cake is perceived as strange - more like a decorative hors d’oeuvre rather than a valid meal contribution to the Greek smorgasbord.  

Ian’s parents find themselves quite aghast with the number of family members, the amount of food, particularly beef, the alcohol and how many males were named Nick. But after repeated toasts and “Oompah! ” they both pass initiation into the family and all the Greek hoopla! The film is funny and has me considering whether or not my husband and I should show up at Thanksgiving with a bund-T cake.

There is no denying change is hard, particularly for some of us. Getting to know new people, new environments, and different routines all require risks of learning to relate to varying aspects of life in a new way. It can feel threatening and vulnerable. In those threatening and vulnerable places,  it can be self-protective to think about the risks of change through a lens of negative cognition in what is termed, negative automatic thoughts, such as fear of additional loss, rejection, failure and …pain.

In order to address these automatic thoughts, it is helpful to think of the “what else could happen” or other outcomes. When we consider that taking risks might also lead us to some enjoyable relationships, activities and successes, it can help us to understand that experiencing new things for a change can be positive.  And even if we are uncomfortable with our experience, the likelihood is that we feel good about ourselves for trying. Just trying may inspire us with ideas for other options for what we would like to do.  And that can result in a healthy development of learning to take risks, to trust and grow.

My family has been making plans for how to engage comfortably and successfully with our new Thanksgiving celebration. We feel good about taking the steps to do what we need to do to “attune” or take care of the transition, including checking in with everyone about expectations, feelings and yes,  fears. It is quite helpful.

So, I’ve almost finished shopping for all of the ingredients for what I’m bringing to the table of bounty. I’m looking forward to getting to know my daughter’s in-laws better and see my daughter in the role of hostess. It is a passing of the torch in many ways, and since I raised her, I think I can feel confident she will be a beautiful hostess.  I believe as well the change in our celebration will be fine and I seriously doubt anyone will go home and say “they were having fun wrong.”

I wish you all a very happy Thanksgiving and thank you so much for letting me share these conversations with you.

facets for life: I’m so thankful the Pilgrims were willing to take risks to change and to trust… 

For the support of Your Life
For the Many Sides of Life
Paulette Jackson MA
facets@bellsouth.net

The opinions expressed in The Conversant Counselor’s Blog are those belonging to Paulette Jackson MA and do not necessarily belong to any other professional or individual.

Their ages are 26, 32, 37, 40 and 50. They are mature, bright, well-groomed, well-adjusted and morally upright individuals. They have skills, jobs and goals. Each one is considered by many, “a very good catch.”  Each one is hopeful and desirous of being connected to a life partner, and they all echo the same frustration, “Will somebody please tell me what’s going on!” ”How is it that the guy/girl I perceive as less than eligible as a marriage partner has managed to fall in love, wed, have five kids and apparently live happily ever after and I’m still waiting?”

Well, while there are a lot of variables in the stated scenario, the question is valid and worthy of observation for the purpose of gaining perspective regarding the apparent irony for those individuals really wanting to live the age-old dream of marriage, settling down and raising a family, yet the hope of the fulfillment of that dream seems at worst an illusive fantasy and at best a brass ring consistently out of reach. What is there to do that hasn’t been tried?

 In lieu formulating a plan, I thought it would be good to moderate our expectations and comparisons with some additional perspective in three areas; historically, culturally and individually.

Historically, Americans have married earlier with the median age being 21 for women and 25 for men, according to a 1946 Gallup Poll.  Currently, the median age for marriage is the oldest since the U.S. census started keeping track in the 1890′s; 26 for women and 28 for men. This means that being single in our late 20′s and early 30′s is within a normal statistical range of current sociological trends.

Culturally, marriage serves more than one function. Although a recognized institution with a binding contract and recognized expectations, different individuals enter the union as a means to getting a variety of personal needs met or vehicle for achieving certain goals. This means that our own particular attachment to the meaning of the term of “marriage” , or value system, will be represented only in a percentage of all marriages. The balance will be representations exclusive to our value system. Comparing our personal marriage values and status to the composit whole of others who are married, is neither a fair nor reliable comparison.

Individually, Americans are finding marrying later, in their 30′s, to be a good thing. Criteria for postponing marriage includes completing advanced degrees and personal readiness. Couples marrying in the 30′s report higher marital quality, more cohesiveness and less consideration of divorce.

In summary, our take-away from the three previous points might be that as you live life and pursue dreams, honor the present. Take this single time to nurture your own understanding of marriage as a value system.  Listed below are a few questions that might be helpful in synthesizing your own thoughts about marriage. 

• What about marriage is desirable and attractive to me? 
• How do I perceive being part of a couple and having children as a part of my life? 
•  What is my vision of marriage? 
•  Complete the following sentences regarding marriage:

   The joy of marriage….
     The challenge of marriage…
     As a wife/husband, I…
     When I think of a partner for myself…

 As we add understanding to our personal constructs regarding marriage as a value system and begin to believe our views on marriage are somewhat jelled, we can then begin to look at how to put those views into the process of getting to know someone. What is helpful when getting to know someone with the intention of a long-term or permanent committment are the qualities which will support the relationship. Marriage researcher John Gottman has identified seven areas that define the well-being of a coupleship, listed below.

1. Matches in conflict style: Couples in conflict naturally have a conflict dynamic and pattern. What Gottman reported as significant for sustaining happy and stable relationships was having a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interaction.
2. Dialogue with perpetual issues: All couples appear to have issues that remain a perpetual problem. What makes the difference is the addressing together the perpetual problems.
3. Happy couples present issues as joint problems and specific to one situation: Couple’s that are unhappy seem to present issues as parter personality problems.
4. Successful repair attempts:Conflict is a part of relationships, even the best ones. The goal is not necessarily to avoid them, but to repair hurt and stay connected.
5. Remaining psychologically calm during conflict:  When we are aroused and feel overwhelmed by negative interaction, it is difficult to listen, understand and empathize. Creating peace opens the door to addressing conflict constructively.
6. Accepting influence from one’s partner: Gottman reports findings that the man’s acceptance of influence from a female partner was critical to the functioning of a heterosexual relationship.
7. Active building of friendship, intimacy and positive affect: When couples court, nurture, connect and play, they are happier!

 While these seven areas are not boxes to be checked, it is my hope that understanding their role as significant in the functioning of marriage will bring perspective and balance to the historical, cultural and individual perspectives by depicting the marriage union as an active  mutual participation in relationship development. In addition, we also simultaneously learn to take a few risks, develop trust, find safety, loyalty and learn what controls those attributes. It is the task of growing love that brings to the table a willingness to be vulnerable, to grow and learn through the grace of time.

What this can look like is that the person who becomes a husband or wife for us is less likely to be the one introduced to us with the immediate “thunder and lightning,” and more likely to be the one with whom there is a gentler familiarity.  You know, the one we get to know over time, and find the slower pace quite comfortable as it also allows for a satisfying dimension of depth which we appreciate. Love grows slowly and we feel safe. And then, when the time comes that we are ready to consider a wedding ring, the connection will be clear when we make the call.

Might I not then say “Now I love you best”
When I was certain o’er incertainty,
Crowning the present, doubting the rest?
Love is a babe, then might I not say so
To give full growth to that which still doth grow
~The Sonnets by William Shakespeare No. 115

For the Support of Your Life
For the Many Sides of Life
Paulette Jackson MA
facets@bellsouth.net

The thoughts and opinions expressed in The Conversant Counselor’s Blog are those belonging to Paulette Jackson MA and do not necessarily reflect the views of any other professional or individual.

The image above maybe found at : movies.popcrunch.com

“The man of words, duly instructed, dips the pen of desire in the ink of devotedness and proceeds to spread it over the page of desolation. Then the nightingale of affection is heard to warble to the rose of loveliness, while the breeze of anxiety plays around the brow of expectation. This is….considered fine writing.” ~ Arthur Quiller Couch

Helen Hanff, is an uncelebrated script editor living in New York in 1949. She is a single woman whose love of her life now beholds her through the eyes of an image sitting on the living room mantle, as one of the casualties of war. Her passions are now fueled by obscure literature classics. On a particular afternoon, her attention is drawn to an ad in the Saturday Review of Literature placed by antiquarian booksellers Marks & Co. of London. Writing the bookseller’s manager Frank Doel, she sends the request for a number of classic books. And the simple task of writing of a letter became an act of delivering hope in an envelope.

 Through their correspondence, a long distance friendship developed between Helene and Frank and over time, it also extended to the staff members of Marks & Co. and friends of Helene. The many letters, articulating diverse discussion on topics of cultural interest like Brooklyn Dodgers, Yorkshire Pudding, the coronation of Elizabeth II, John Donne sermons and essays by Arthur Quiller Couch,  also begin to arrive accompanying an array of packages including food and gifts – particularly welcome in the wake of post WWII shortages. The cross continental relationship continued over a season of twenty years, bringing meaningful connection and relationship, to a painful time of loss and recovery, through the art of conversation in writing.

Charing Cross Road is a 1987 British/American film based on Helene Hanff’s real life letters between herself and Frank Doel.  Starring Anne Bancroft and Anthony Hopkins, the story lends itself to a variety of discussion lenses, including, cultural, sociological, spiritual and personal.  And don’t be surprised as a viewer, if after watching the movie, you find yourself spending an afternoon in a nearby antiquary bookshop, shopping on line for a copy of John Donne’s sermons in a binding with full-gilt edges and gold leafing or perhaps taking the evening to write a long letter to someone living far away, you haven’t seen for a while, but care about deeply.

facets for life: Reading: Hearing the language of the soul through the voice of ink. ~The Conversant Counselor

For the Support of Your Life
Forthe Many Sides of Life
Paulette Jackson MA
facets@bellsouth.net

The thoughts and opinions expressed in The Conversant Counselor’s Blog are those belonging to Paulette Jackson MA and do not necessarily reflect those of any other professional or individual.

The image above is found at:  www.bellasbookshelves.com/?p=4581

So says the laugh line on an Anne Taintor box of tissue sitting on my desk. I’m sure many of us remember growing up being lovingly conditioned by grandmothers, mothers and aunts to believe that “Outer beauty is only skin deep and fades. You have inner beauty and that will last a life time.” To which we responded with happy silver smiles enhanced with the adornment of metalic teeth jewelry called braces and shining eyes that managed to somehow twinkle through astigmatism corrective glasses with lenses so thick they had their own term of endearment, labeled coke bottle bottoms. 

At times we all feel the pressure that outer beauty rules! and live with the cultural changes that redefine outer beauty rules. While colors, textures, lines and lengths identify and establish trends for this year’s beauty, youth continues to dominate as one of the top rules. In many ways we have always been drawn to the charm, grace, symetry and energy of  youthful beauty, particularly through the medium of film. In my opinion two women that top the list of Big Screen beauties are Audry Hepburn and Grace Kelly.

 Audry Hepburn seemed to capture the image and charm attributed to Hollywood Beauties. Benefitting from the attention of a fabulous wardrobe designer, Audry’s signature style became the visible expression of her personal qualities of grace and spirit which endeared her to both movie fans and fashion lovers.  She became an icon of ideal for women in Europe and America for many years.

And who can forget Grace Kelly in Alfred Hitchcock’s Rear Window,  and seeing her wear this stunning Edith Head creation? It had quite an affect on Jimmy Stuart as well.

While these two women set a pace for a romantic era gone by, there are several new pace setters in the current new milenium. One of the most noticed trends are the Lady Ga Ga big eyes with iris’s the size any deer would fawn over. This look can be achieved through the purchase of a marketed contact lens. Do be careful about the painful side effects of eye irritation though.

A second trend is the sexy and kissable large pouty lip look made famous by Angelina Jolie. However, what I observe about Angelina Jolie, is not just the lips that seems to be the focus. She is just all over gorgeous! But apparently her full lips were successful in setting a new look into motion as well as products to help women everywhere achieve a similar appeal.

As a result, collagen injections have sky rocketed in sales to achieve the coveted look. Although collagen injections top the list of high priced cosmetic choices, there are a couple of more affordable alternatives. One is the lip plumping pump. For $49.95, this little pump is designed  to enhance the body’s own lip plumping ability.  The result is temporary and the side effects are described as minimal. If you are prone to cold sores, using this product may increase the likelihood of frequency occurence.

Another option for fuller lips is the lip plumper lipstick. Enhanced with an ingredient that will “tingle” a bit as it stimulates tender tissue to fill out the lip line, this product is one of the most affordable, with a price of about $25 for your favorite tube. The most noticeable side effect is the numbing sensation. That could mean using it the evening you are the keynote speaker at your local Chamber of Commerce meeting might not be a good idea.

My daughter tried this option of lip plumper in a local salon when buying some new makeup for her recent wedding. The color was beautiful, however just as we were about to purchase this lipstick with plumper, my daughter noticed that, her lips began to “tingle”, swell and feel numb - and so was her tongue. As a mild panic set in she proceded to wipe and spit to get  “this stuff off”!  Obviously, this wasn’t going to work. She could only imagine kissing her new husband and having him experience the same effect! We giggled and left the store purchasing only a great eye shadow item. The sales girl smiled a bit, and reassured us.  ”Bit duben’t bwork bfor beveryone.”  Right. It doesn’t. 

Complying with outer beauty rules, whether through natural, cosmetic or surgical means, can bring compliments and validation many women strive to achieve. But I think we would all agree that even though many of the beauty rules are culturally driven, in actuality, what ever the look, it is important that it is safe and works for the individual.

As mentioned, my daughter was recently married. Without bias I can say she was the most beautiful bride I have ever seen. Any bride’s magazine should have been complimented to have her picture on the front cover of their publication. The pictures of the wedding I have seen so far have been beautiful too. While my daughter and her husband take front and center, I did make several observations about the appearance of the mother-of -the-bride…that being she is not as young as she used to be. 

 At first glance of a few wedding party photographs, I saw big gorgeous smiles. Then I noticed the mother of the bride…”Where are her lips? I see everyone else’s, but on her face all I see is colored line that looks more like it’s indicating a coin slot!”  Here is where I might have dared to tolerate tingling lips, numb tongue and slurred speech for the trade off of having lips that showed up in these special pictures. 

The eyes of the mother-of-the-bride looked fine though. The photographer made sure of that as he and his wife made careful adjustments before snapping photos.

Photographer: “Mrs. Jackson, we want everyone’s eyes open for the picture. Could you open yours?” 
MOTB: (Mother of the Bride) ” They are open.”
Photographer: ‘Well then, could you move your eyelids out of the way?”
MOTB: ” Well then, could you hand me some duck tape?”

While my eyes were being protected by my new extended eyelids and sleeping mask combo,  I also noticed my neck was growing its own awning as well.  I guess now when I go to the pool, I can protect my delicate face with the confidence of having my own personal, took years to achieve, neck awning! Just lift and cover.

Regarding beauty and humor, actress Tina Fey, best known for her Saturday Night Live impersonation one of my favorite saavy and luscious lipped women Sarah Palin, has written a new book titled Bossypants. In her irreverent, clever Pg-13 and sometimes R rated style, she brings candid perspective about growing up, becoming a woman, becoming famous, the joy of becoming a mommy and the much obsessed over topic of beauty. Noting the humiliation of trying to observe culturally imposed beauty rules, Tina validates for her gender that it is no wonder so many of us feel like we will never be good enough! In closing, I have listed below just a few of the deficiencies women in American culture have been and continue to be concerned with when addressing how outer beauty rules!

• big pores
• oily t-zone
• lunch lady arms
• no arch in my my eyebrow
• muffin top
• spider veins
• saddlebags
• thin lashes
• bony knees
• calves too big
• “no calves’
• green undertones in my skin
• bad nail beds

While all of these externals are addressed in Bossypants, Tina also summarizes for all women everywhere the most important Rule of Beauty to remember … that being  “Who Cares?”

facet for life: For amateurs and professionals, all women everywhere- You don’t know how beautiful you are. ~u2

For the Suppport of Your Life
For the Many Sides of Life
Paulette Jackson TLPC/MHSP
facets@bellsouth.net

The opinions expressed in The Conversant Counselor’s Blog are those belonging to Paulette Jackson TLPC/MHSP and do not necessarily reflect those on any other professional or individual.

 Image above may be viewed at www.dailymail.w.ur/home