Weaving Wisdom of Love

Up the street on Sweeney Lane
lived Mary Schirpik
“Grandma” was her name.

A small German frame,
a head full of grey,
and blue eyes that saw what you meant to say.

Six children, a husband, and grandkids
Quite a sum.
Yet no one ever felt it,
Each thought they were the only one.

“Ya’ll come in, gather round, take a seat,
By the way, supper’s ready, come on, let’s eat.”

She held the hand of childhood,
With life’s unwanted darts.
She stood on the bridge of mercy,
Holding family heart.

For 86 years she was loved
In words
So much more
But I heard there was a grand homecoming
When she opened Heaven’s Door
~The Conversant Counselor

Grandma. Ma Maw. Nanny. Mi Mi. Big Mama. Mi Maw. These beloved titles belonging to grandmothers carry a meaning of significance comparable to few other claims. “Grandma said so.” “Mi Mi loves me.” “Big Ma ma wants us all to come over.” When those words ring out, any  objections melt away, in deference to and for the love of the family matriarch.

Matriarchy has been a known tradition to many societies. Even for America, it is my opinion that the patriarchal label for our sociological nature, was only emphasized after the Industrial Revolution. For as an agrarian society, particularly in the south, women were honored for their role and contribution to the reputation of the family and the farm.

I have just finished rereading through once more, Wake for the Living, Andrew Nelson Lytle’s memoirs. Historian, writer and one of the Fugitive Poets, he offers first hand experience and information about the south, Civil War, the land and the family. One of my favorite reads, having three copies, one autographed, I have always loved the insight into Grandma Lytle, her life, her love and her role.

As a wife of a landowner in the agrarian South, Grandma was known as a good manager, a complement carrying weight in the farming community and the highest praise given her by her husband. Growing food as a commodity and to feed all the mouths in one’s jurisdiction took prudence and wisdom to maintain a good household economy, the lack of which risked slaves going barefoot and dying of starvation in the winter – which sadly was the scenario after Rachel’s death when Andrew Jackson was in the White House.

It was Grandma Lytle’s kind authority that saw slaves, the inheritance of a necessary evil, as part of the common life since the opening of the country.  She saw them as human beings and members of the family in society. The injustice of this part of life, felt and heard through the sad songs of the work, was made the best of by Grandma. She cared for the servants and provided fairly for them with food, clothes and education. She performed the marriages of all of her servants on her front porch and made sure they all had wine and cake, making these weddings known throughout middle Tennessee as an event not to be missed! Powerful, strict and wise, it was Grandma’s house that continued partial support for family after Reconstruction.

I have very fond memories of my own grandmothers. My paternal Grandma Grieger, of Czech heritage share cropped with her husband of almost forty years, raised five children and spent summers with umpteen grandchildren. She was nurturing, protective and caring.  Her influence crossed three generations. I was blessed by her nurturing love and marvelous baking of Kolaches.

My maternal Grandma Schirpik, of German heritage, and a flapper as a young woman,  also share cropped farming with her husband of almost fifty years, raised six children was a caregiver for me and umpteen other grandchildren. She was bright, very funny, nurturing and loving. I felt like I mattered when I was with her. Her influence crossed four generations and is still revered.  

In our society today, approximately 2.5 million children reside with a grandparent caregiver. This cross generational caregiving will influence the next two generations. It is obvious that the role of Grandma is still very important in adapting to life.

I miss having my grandmothers, the older women of my history. I learned a lot from them, their perspective on life and the wisdom of their age. Like an irreplaceable tapestry of weaving, their role model, offered a wisdom of love for life. 

I used to regret getting older. It seemed fearful to face competing in a world where youth is a commodity for sale. I have begun to view my maturing differently. I realize how much younger generations need their grandma types, older women to lean on and learn from how to care for this and next generations. And older women of maturity and experience can offer this in a gracious weaving wisdom of love. So, hey…let the weaving of wisdom begin!

facet for life: I wish I knew what I know now, when I was younger.(Rod Stewart)…Learning from our parents and grandparents gives us a chance to do that.

For the Support of Your Life
For the Many Sides of Life
Paulette Jackson MA

The thoughts and opinions expressed in The Conversant Counselor’s Blog are those belonging to Paulette Jackson MA and do not necessarily reflect those of any other professional or individual.

The image above can be found at sacred-circle-mandales.blogspot.com

 

“Can We Get Some Consistency Around Here?” ~D.D.

~The greatest things in life are not reasonable.The mind may make sensible comments about these greatest things in life, but they are not reasonable…~Rev. Gardner Taylor

“Stand back, Musketeers, and they shall sample my blade! Touche’!”  So says Daffy Duck the Looney Tunes cartoon titled Duck Amuck.  With his personal flair and color, he boldly presents on stage in musketeer costume, backed by a scenery familiar with Robin Hood and the forest of Nottingham. With a leap, lunge and thrust of his fencing sword, he proclaims his heroic status to defend and protect with unsurpassed swordsmanship, against scoundrels and rogues who would oppose him.

Within a few steps however, the landscape changes. Instead of the 12th century English scene, it has now suddenly been replaced,by the stroke of the artist’s brush, with the image of a 20th century farm, serene with rolling green hills and picturesque red barn. In adaptive actor fashion, Daffy changes clothes and dialogue to accomodate…only to have the scene, once again, change with the stroke of the artist’s brush, frustrating him to no end. The entire cartoon reveals the power struggle between the actor, Daffy and the artist. 

 Foiled by all of the unexpected changes, at the  hand of the artist who continues to replace backdrop scenes randomly and whimsically on purpose, Daffy voices his frustration with the demands that “This is unreasonsonable!” and “Can we get some consistency around here?”  And as we could guess, by the end of the show, we find that the artist of this cosmic cartoon is, of course, the ever cool, the perfect protagonist, Bugs Bunny.

Inconsistency, the revolving door of change, unrealized expectations …these places  of life dynamics can have the same effect on humans as on Duck Amuck, particularly when it is our own name that written on the address label. When that happens, it is not uncommon for us to voice our own hostility that, “This is unreasonable! Can we get some consistency around here?”

While the expression of life as feeling unreasonable is most often used when we feel as though life isn’t collaborating with us, there is another unreasonableness in life – that of the good, the beautiful. This unreasonableness is the grace we experience every day, through those gifts that bring beauty and joy to our lives, yet all too often we fail to recognize how rare and valuable they are.  It is the warmth of a spouse’s embrace, the voice of our child, the company of furry friends, and a lazy Saturday morning. It is the brisk cold and a cup of hot coffee, a favorite read, the best music. It is the comfort of others, the chance to love, new days, restful evenings and prayers received.

Yes, logically these things are unreasonable, given that the dynamics of the universe often seem to be against us, like Daffy Duck. But these appearances of mercy and grace, unreasonable as they can be called, reveal gently, quietly to us a God who wants us to sense, to experience, to know,  of His ever-present love … unreasonably beautiful, consistently unfailing and real.

facet for life: Beauty…touches us at different level from logic and reason. And the love of God for us is not reasonable. ~Rev. Gardner Taylor, Attributed

For the Support of Your Life
For the Many Sides of Life
Paulette Jackson
facets@bellsouth.net

 

The opinions and expressions in The Conversant Counselor’s Blog are those belonging to Paulette Jackson MA and do not necessarily reflect those of any other professional or individual.

Quotes above are taken from The Power of Pause, by Terry Hershey
photo above at:   looneytunes.wikia.com/wiki/Duck_Amuck_(episode)

For Valentine’s Day: Rave On!

Well, the little things you say and do
make me want to be with you
Rave on, it’s a crazy feeling and
I know it’s got me reeling’
When you say “I love you! ” Rave on.

The way you dance and hold me tight,
the way you kiss and say goodnight
Rave on, it’s a crazy feeling and
I know it’s got me reelin’
when you say “I love you”! Rave on.
~Buddy Holly

“Wow! You look fantastic!” “I’m so proud of you!” “I love your beautiful blue eyes!” “Thank you for your kindness in helping me today!” “When you kiss and hold me in that way I feel like we’re still dating!”

Expressions of recognition. Affirmation. Appreciation. Caring behavior. When we are recipients of these gifts, I think most of respond by wanting to say, “More! More!” Valentine’s Day is just around the corner and what better time to remember or be reminded of the value of these important communications.

While we all know that offering positive statements and caring behaviors are important in committed relationships, what exactly is the wonder in the words and allure of the acts that elicits such crazy feeling? Well, there are several reasons for the phenomenon, according to Howard Hendrix, author of Getting the Love You Want, where he describes the benefits of partner pleasing behaviors.

• Repetitions of  positive behaviors reinforce messages that the partner is  ”someone who nurtures me”  in turn categorizing them as a “wellspring of life” opening the door for safety and pleasure – both necessary qualities for intimacy. This means LOTS is good!
• Offering positive statements and caring behaviors, particularly on an independent schedule, builds in the brain an enjoyment-joy response – one without strings attached
  a response understood in infancy when comforted, held, rocked and patted. This same desire remains in adulthood, to be loved and cared for without having to do anything in return.
• Intentionally exercising positive actions helps us understand the unique pleasures and preferences of our partners.
• Finally, regularly offering partner pleasing gifts to each other, improves not only the superficial nature of the relationship, but also heals old wounds by integrating caring and nurturing into the intimacy of the couplehood.

So. February 14th is Valentine’s Day. Take a moment to sit down with your sweetheart and write out a specific list of what caring behaviors are meaningful to you. Is is a quiet dinner at a cozy restaurant to sip wine and flirt with each other across the table? Is it thirty minutes of  alone time when you come home from work, or thirty minutes of connecting with your partner in the evening,whispering sweet nothings and kissing? How about a foot rub? Is it having your favorite meal prepared by your partner or an invitation to eat out ? Or maybe is it a sweet surprise offer of sexual intimacy?How about playing scrabble with cheeze-its!

Whatever is a meaningful, caring behavior for you, write it down. Then share your lists with each other. Now, take your partner’s list, pick one or two as “gifts” for Valentine’s and commit to offering these behaviors on a regular, independent schedule and RAVE ON!

Facet for life: It isn’t the big pleasures that count the most, it’s making a big deal out of the little ones. ~Jean Webster

For the Support of Your Life
For the Many Sides of Life
Paulette Jackson MA

The thoughts and opinions expressed in The Conversant Counselor’s Blog are those belonging to Paulette Jackson MA and do not necessarily belong to those of any other professional or individual.

Beauty and the Bruise

 ”It’s beautiful, except for the bruise...”
“It would be perfect, if it weren’t for the bruise…”

“We worship at the altar of the superlative” writes author Terry Hershey in an article explaining western culture’s model for quantifying success.  Through this fine filter of eligibility from which only the superlative survive, we have retained for standardization, only a tiny box which holds the treasured remains defining success as that which is superlative and elite.

In general Americans indicate that they are happy. In a recent poll 85% of those particpating reported their current state as either happy or very happy. But the fields of psychology and medicine apparently aren’t satisfied with those results and both want to support a superlative call to living by devoting more time and effort to finding new ways of increasing and enhancing current happiness through education, industry and medication.

The elite. The superlative. The best. We are all familiar with these terms often referring to gaining, achieving and being. They represent the human nature of striving to move away from one place and to another for the purpose of getting… somewhere. Whether it is what we purchase, how we live, or the way we interpersonally relate, we seem to want to make sure we do so in way that is “right” and validated by achievement and reward, as welll as having a greater sense of satisfaction and control about our circumstances.

But can we live our life in this manner, seeking to achieve an abstract elite, a superlative or an enhanced happiness while at the same time distancing ourselves from the concrete physical realities of the nature of life – that which is painful, messy and raw?  It is my opinion that we cannot divide the abstract from the concrete. The abstract and the concrete of life are a reflection of the spirit and flesh, and the human creation. It is here we understand life as a connected whole, physically and spiritually. If separated, this highest from of beauty in the sacred and the spiritual, is integrally denied as a conduit for transformation and redemption.

We often experience the connected beauty of the sacred and the physical  every day as revealed in the ”stuff” of life. Sometimes, we just aren’t aware of it. It is the tangibleness of routine, the common, the ordinary… stuff. It is what we both see and feel but take for granted when walking through the middle of autumn’s forest surrounded by molding, wet brown leaves and perhaps turn up our noses while smelling  the season. We are reminded of the season’s impending death as well the renewal of life in another season.

We also experience it in hearing the hurried rustle on the ground of chipmunks and squirrels digging and searching as if frantic to find both today’s food and store winter’s provisions, while we stand still amidst the surrounding hundreds of trees tall and bare, stretching their branches to the gray sky as if praying for sunlight and warmth.  It is in moments like these we see a physical response of creation, to attend, and to adapt, in a task of resilient hope, and faith.

I have felt this sacred in the physical beauty in the morning after a long night with a one-year old throwing up every thirty minutes, and now seeing the face of that child standing with the most beautiful toothless grin ever. I have heard it in that baby, premature, tiny and fragile at birth and barely able to breathe, now scream loudly in strong frustration.

I know that beauty in looking in the eyes of a long loved mate every day, and understanding that the beauty of two is held in the naked vulnerability of love and life within the safe container of matrimony, itself a symbol of life, renewal and redemption through relationship, both physical and spiritual.

This wholeness of this beauty is understood completely when, holding a beloved life, in death, till the last moment and we breathe a hopeful and sorrowful goodbye to the physical and the unanswered, until we meet again forever in the spiritual. These  physical sorrows and real losses remind us of the inseparable nature of the physical and spiritual. It is the beauty of a connected whole being. To detach ourselves from this diminishes and denies not only the whole, but the unique, the individual, the understanding of beauty.

From a historical perspective, we understand that spiritual minds have long hoped for pursuing beauty of life and worship in clean and clear environments, apart from the physical entanglements.  But from a Judeo Christian perspective, it was not so. The superlative beauty of finding redemption in life’s suffering came first in the form of slaughtering animals and shedding blood. Later that redemption came in the form of impregnation, gynecology, obstetrics and the messiness of birth. Finally, it came in a cruel, bloody death for the love of those for which the sacrificial death was willingly offered.  Yes, both the physical and the spiritual are the union of beauty.

Life. It is born in struggle, marked with bruises, brokenness and filled with experiences of loss, frustration and soul renting sorrow and thus denied perfection status, elite and superlative happiness. But out of the struggle, the bruises, the brokenness, the frustration and soul renting sorrow is revealed a spirit of overcoming, tending, repairing and comforting, bringing a dimension of beauty through hope, healing and wholeness. And that beauty is… beyond compare.

In this cup I am drinking from,
I can see The Face behind every face…
…Within an arm’s reach is all I desire
So I am never in want
The root of the Rose I have become,
from loving the way I did
~Hafiz

For the Support of Your Life
For the Many sides of Life
Paueltte Jackson MA
facets@bellsouth.net

My thanks to Julie N. for permission to use the photo of The bruised Rose

We Have Been Given the Moon

 

O God, give the players sweetness and weal
And for the tabbla, give them hands of steel.

For their love, they sacrifice every limb
Of limbs O God, please give them a great deal.

These messengers of love filled our ears
Grant them seeing eyes and thy Royal Seal.

These lovebirds sing and cry out their love
Grace them with the patience that would heal.

In thy praise, they have filled many ears
You too praise their praise and their zeal.

They quenched the thirst of heart’s flower
Let the full moon in their skies reel and wheel.

I am silent, please speak to me thy will
For they say you give thus, and thus steal.

O God, all I ask for in both worlds
Like Shams, let me shine, be and feel.
~Rumi 155 

I believe one of the picturesque sights to behold is a full moon. Wouldn’t you agree?  I have sat  many times in wonder looking at that big circle of beauty that wraps  my world in its light, inspiring romance, peace and transcendence. When I take the time to stand or sit in its presence, I am immediately drawn into an awareness of the gifts of beauty I have been lovingly given – gifts that exist for my pleasure and remind me of a bigger picture and a bigger purpose we are a part of.

For a couple of more months, the grey blanket of our southeastern winter will continue to cover nature in a gentle rest of reflection, while also nurturing the ground with hope for the future.  During this season, the chilly nights with their starry skies often provide a grand stage for the moon in a performance of brilliant fullness. February 7 is when she is scheduled for her next appearance. If the conditions are right, I hope you will go and sit with her and be reminded of the sacredness and hope of your life, and just how much you are loved – so much so -  that God has given you the moon…So play.

facet for life: Beauty has its purposes, which, all our lives and at every season, it is our opportunity, and our joy to divine…
~Mary Oliver

For the Support of Your Life
For the Many Sides of Life
Paulette Jackson
facets@bellsouth.net

The thoughts and opinions expressed in The Conversant Counselor’s Blog are those belonging to Paulette Jackson MA and do not necessarily reflect those of any other professional or individual.

tabbla: a drum
sham: sun
 Image above may be found at:  
3.bp.blogspot.com/…/s1600/winter-moon.jpg

Forgiveness: When it’s Not Today

Broken sticks and broken stones
Will turn to dust just like our bones
It’s words that hurt the most now isn’t it
Are you sad inside, are you home alone
If I could just pick up the phone
Maybe you could see a better day
And you won’t waste away under my watchful eye
Because I’m your hero and you’re my weakness

Who’s gonna break my fall
When the spinning starts
The colors bleed together and fade
Was it ever there at all
Or have I lost my way
The path of least resistance Is catching up with me again today

I’m broken down, not good enough
The broken promises add up
To twice their weight in tears which I have caused
I’m afraid to sink, I’m afraid to swim
I’m sad to say I miss my friends
I know that I’m supposed to step away
But they need me to stay and keep a watchful eye
On all my heroes and all their demons

But who’s gonna break my fall When the spinning starts
The colors bleed together and fade Was it ever there at all
Or have I lost my way
The path of least resistance
Is catching up with me again today

Not today
Not today

The picture of the bouganvilla is one that I nourished a couple of years ago. These colorful outdoor plants are my favorite. While initially their beauty draws us to them, it is their other qualities that reveal their beauty to be part of a meaningful and metaphorical existence.

A favored plant in Texas, they are heat tolerant and drought resistant. In fact, the hotter it is the better they love it. And as long as it is warm and they are watered and fed, they will grow and bloom prolifically all year. Their colors are expressed in vibrant shades of pink, purple and white and their blooms are protected with a thorn that will have any gardener taking precaution before getting too familiar with the vines.  Supported by arbors or stakes, they will forge to great heights bringing  images of  strong color and courageous texture able to hold their own among any garden or elaborate landscaping. And today they offer a focus for forgiveness; when it’s not today.

In the previous blog, I addressed forgiveness and the freedom it offers us to begin again.  For many of us, finding and receiving forgiveness for ourselves,  our own regrets or even for others who, may have been a part in changing the course of  our lives without so much as asking our permission, gives us the freedom to live our lives without harboring resentment. But for others of us, a question may linger regarding individuals in our experience, who played particular roles in changing the course of our lives, yet have never sought forgiveness or repair. How do we make peace with that?

In addressing this question, my perspective will offer an admitted bias biopsychologoically, socially, spiritually and personally.  While it is my hope that it is a helpful and healing response, it is one that readers may feel free to take what works for them and leave what doesn’t.

From a biopsychological perspective, it might be helpful to understand how our emotional conflicts and hurts are rooted and wired. From a psychodynamic and Imago perspective, we know that 90% of our issues are rooted in history, only 10% has anything to do with what is currently taking place.

Simplistically, we can speak of our emotional processing in our brains as consisting in three parts; a conscious, an unconscious and the biological aspect of the autonomic nervous system regulating the emotional queuing, interpretation and response.

The conscious part of the brain is the cerebral cortex and this is considered the decision maker of the brain. It has the ability to be intentional, rational, choiceful, self-aware, reflective and self-observant. It is that part of our brain that interacts with language and symbols, science, literature and art.

The unconscious of the brain where our emotions are interpreted. It includes what is called the HPA Axis; Hypothalmic-Pituitary-Adrenal. Here is where the memory and content of our lives is circulating, in the form of “prototypes”  which act as interpreters for subsequent experiences. The Hippocampus is the what is considered the key structure for both emotional and verbal memory. The amygdala is the structure creating memory, emotional content of memory and the feeling responses to those memories. The limbic system plays a primary role for information and regulation of memory and associated emotions.

The biological part of the brain involved with our emotions is the autonomic system including both the parasympathetic and sympathetic nervous system. The sympathetic nervous system can be described as the accelerator, fight-or-flight, and the parasympathetic can be described as the brake, regulating salivation, tears, urination, digestion and defecation.

From a psycho-social perspective, the first time we enter the world in utero, we begin emotional attachments. Once we arrive outside the uterus we begin physically interacting with the world. Beginning with our parents first, we begin forming organizational principles by which we learn to attach meaning to people, symbols, behaviors and events contributing to the course of life.  These interactions along with the organizational structures become the memory “lesson plans”  and a trajectory for our relational dynamics and their meaning, both personally and interpersonally.

It is through the messages a child receives via parental/social interaction, sight, hearing and feeling, that he or she learns a language for feelings of acceptance, rejection, comfort, aloneness,  joy, being wanted or unwanted. In acquiring the language of feelings, the child learns by participation, observation, instruction or intuition, how to respond or react to the messages surrounding behaviors and feelings . The stimulus received by the child will be followed by a biological response from the body with either a  fight or flight or a regulating response taking place. This biological sequencing contributes heavily to the personal and interpersonal shaping of  individual functioning in familial and social contexts.

At a young age, a child has received enough messages in the form of stimuli influencing his or her behavior to have established dynamics and patterns that will be considered part of the identity and personality. Socially, this translates to mean that if the stimulus-response messages received by a child interpret behaviors to mean he is loved, and is safe to trust feeling loved and accepted by mom and dad, a memory prototype will be created, consequently acting as a script informing the child to respond with the same feelings of comfort and acceptance in a larger context of  social settings.

Conversely, the opposite is also likely. This translates to mean that if a child experiences behaviors that he/she learns to mean rejection in the form of criticism, blame or shame, then he or she will also create a memory prototype which will inform the child that specific behaviors  equal rejection and to respond to criticism, blame and shame as statements of rejection.

It is the accumulation of these memories in the form of historical data that is what we understand to be responsible for that 90% of our adult issues.

This means from a sociological perspective that when we become adults, the dynamics and patterns that became the memory prototypes are the ones we have responded to, consciously or unconsciously, throughout our life. For many individuals, these responses have been strengthened over time by psychologically defending them, with the result being  the consequential personal and interpersonal dynamics and patterns. For others, conscious recognition that the childhood responses no longer work  as an adult, may have instituted adaptive responses for relating more effectively in given circumstances. Still others, recognizing that life seemed to be terribly out of sync somehow may seek professional help and begin to take steps to learn how we are made and where our wounds and hurts occur in our history, so for the purpose of healing, can learn to relate differently, personally and interpersonally.

Spiritually, it is also recognized that these attachment dynamics and patterns from childhood shape not only personal relationships, but spiritual ones as well. Our family influence, because of the adult/child power imbalance, teaches us how to respond to figures with perceived power, including authority, gender and divinities. Many individuals as adults, realize that responses to bosses are similar to how they responded to parents. Attitudes and behaviors within families also contribute significantly to shaping the God image and responses to that image, of person,  character, and relationship.

In summary up to this point, regarding forgiveness: when it’s not today, we can extrapolate that each person in a relationship comes to the table with similar contributing facets of life, and relationship issues are largely the results of the interacting historical negative unconscious messages or “wounds”  of the  individuals.

Within relationships, this resulting interaction or conflict from negative wounds is referred to as being triggered. An example is when husband voices a criticism to his wife and it “triggers” a negative feeling similar to that of one felt in a childhood situation and she responds in the same manner as she did as child. To go a bit further, we could predict that if an individual felt unwanted and screamed as a child, it is safe to predict that yelling would be a familiar “skill” as an adult. If running away when feeling unwanted was a childhood response, we might safely predict as well a similar response as an adult, perhaps in the form feel leaving, even if temporarily, as an adult.

If couples can get professional help and begin to understand their own history  and how to find new ways of managing the hurt and healing the wound, it is possible for conflict to be dealt with less intensity. It doesn’t mean we  “stuff” our emotions. It means that we learn to recognize them and address them so they do less damage. Hopefully, it also means we learn greater  understanding in general, and have fewer conflicts, more effective communication.

Personally, my own journey as an adult has included gaining understanding of the above perspectives. As an adult I realized that history sent many good messages, and many wounding ones as well.  The good messages became what I have relied on as skills in life. The wounding ones eventually became recognized as places that needed healing and I am grateful for the gentle and caring individuals, who are of help to me in this area.

For the remainder of this article I want to offer three perspective: a historical perspective so to understand that resolving conflict and trying to achieve a sense of rightness/justice and/ or peace is not new and two  spiritual perspectives about what forgiveness means as a value system in the function of  resolving conflict.

If we look back historically at the 9th century AD, we would learn that the Norse gods had a respected world view for resolving conflict. Although not progressive in nature, the system recognized the value of the human glory as a foundational virtue. Apart from a universal God, this virtue is referred to as unaided human achievement.  Mans’ virtue rests only in strength for being able to fight the gods, and keep them at bay, holding off destruction for one more day.  One may defend self or the family honor, but there is no future or redemption. In the end everybody dies, and the gods win – and that’s all folks. There was no other way.

Another way that did come along and one which I have written about previously, offers forgiveness in contrast to human achievement. Understood of as a conditional social act, the first models, presented below, are from Popular Opinions, (1946) by Dorothy Sayers, theologian and essayest. Validating a relative compassion for others,  repentance and conditional reconciliation, they serve, in my opinion,  generally as an example contrary to forgiveness as a virtue.

1.  There is the Christian forgiveness which says: “I will forgive you as a Christian, but I will never speak to you again.”
2. There is the Priggish forgiveness which says: “I will forgive you, and I will pray for you.”
3. There is the Conditional Forgiveness: “I will forgive you on the condition that you will never do that again.”

Finally, yet another perspective of forgiveness also came along. Also explained by Dorothy Sayers, this offer of another way, is one of mystery and sacrifice. Not about demanding repentance, restitution or promising to never offend again, neither is it blind to repair or the need for measures to prevent future damage.  Neither a conditional social act, but a framework for re-establishing relationship, the fourth forgiveness offers choice,

• “Is there anything in our minds that will prevent a re-establishment of right relationship?”
•  If  the answer is yes, the opportunity of relationship is forfeited at that time.
•  If the is answer no, forgiveness and the gift of relationship is accepted.

This view, one that is rooted in the willingness to sacrifice for the sake of another, is the gift modeled by Jesus Christ, bearer the penalty of sacrifice for sin, relieving mankind from the responsibility and the consequence of sin – that of an eternity separated from God. As a result of this One’s death on the cross, obligation from penalty was voluntarily discharged. This is  compassion at the most vulnerable level.

In this view, what becomes central is me. Yep. It’s all about me. I am the only one who can change circumstances by addressing me. I can only control me. I can show up. I can tell the truth without judgment or blame. I can pay attention to what has meaning. I can release the outcome.

As well as me, what else becomes central is my attitudes, thoughts and feelings. Am I critical? Do I express contempt? Am I defensive? Am I stonewalling?

Generally speaking;  me, my wounds, my spirit, my heart and my soul are in my jurisdiction. And I have a choice.  I can be Norse – like and defend my honor! Yeah, but everybody still dies in the end and there is no future or redemption.  I can also receive another way, the mystery of sacrifice, and with grace accept that God was so head over heels  in love with me that came to pursue me when I could have cared less.  And without any visible sign of hopeful return of my love, He lovingly provided for my future and redemption.

Finding a sense of justice for the pain or rejection I have received from others who seem to remain oblivious to the knowledge that my wounds could be healed and I could move on with my life if they would only ask for forgiveness, might be found in the Norse choice. I could say, “Yeah. It’s every man for himself. No future. No redemption.  Just save me and my feelings”.  And in choosing this, it would be,  in my mind,  where the path of least resistance catches up to me.

The other option is  sacrifice,  “compassion to everyone, even where it’s not wanted, because we never know what wars are going on down there where the spirit meets the bone.”  This is the soul confronting choice, because means that I am no longer asking those who hurt me to be accountable for my pain.  The focus is on forgiveness,  given to me and wanting it for others.

Then, on the days when my spirit wilts and I wonder about all of the what if’s and whose gonna break my fall when the spinning starts and the colors bleed together and fade, was it ever there at all,  have I lost my way or my mind – and I feel the path of least resistance is  catching up with me again – then, on those days – this option of sacrifice and forgiveness received is what gives me permission to respond with the hope of future and redemption and I can say …Not today…Not today…and in a way not at all unlike that bouganvilla.

I hope this additional perspective is helpful.

For the Support of Your Life
For the Many Sides of Life

Paulette Jackson
facets@bellsouth.net

The opinions expressed in The Conversant Counselor’s Blog are those belonging to Paulette Jackson and do not necessarily belong to any other professional or individual.

Lyrics: Path of Least Resistance/Brandi Carlile

Forgiveness: The Starting of Over Again

Take 2. Rewind. Reboot. Refresh. Clean slate. Blank page. New game. New inning. Do Over.  Change Course. Change Lanes. New Line on the Horizon. Take another run at it.

Starting over. These two words, often expressed in a variety of colloquialisms are familiar to most of us. We tend to hear them, particularly every January, spoken in reference to  New Year’s Resolutions with statements declaring  a new start to the year with a clean slate by initiating of variety of  behaviors such as improve relationships, get healthy, balance my life, get organized, get taxes done before April 15,  etc.  Ushered in by the turning of the calendar page, this cultural ritual offers everyone who participates an opportunity to renew hope for desired changes in various aspects of life.  Described in a wide range of vernacular, the meaning of starting over is one that seems to be translated universally - that of forgiving  and beginning again.

Forgiving to begin again. I have been ruminating about this lately. It “came to me”, slowly now that I reflect on it, that in order to have the motivation for making the effort to do something different or try again, requires, for me, forgiveness…from anger, resentment, guilt, regret, jealousy and failure  – to name a few things I am aware of in my own life. When my heart, soul and spirit are preoccupied with these things and the events that they are tied to, then I am just that – preoccupied with and focused on those things. But when my spirit, heart and soul can receive forgiveness and accept those sorrows, often in the form of losses, I’ve noticed I can have a sense of peace about what I feel I have lost and what I miss.  

With a sense of forgiveness received and peace about the lost and the missed, I now have both emotional and mental freedom as well as permission to focus and pursue new beginnings. It seems too, that in receiving forgiveness, I also receive motivation for starting over and finding new beginnings. The willingness and desire to recreate the joys that I felt were taken from me, returns.  I believe this is what is called healing! 

As many might agree, who have experienced healing from losses and the feelings that present themselves, the healing can be unimaginably painful. My experience is that it includes not only recovery, but a great deal of personal work and reorganization of one’s whole self. The joys however bring unexpected wonders and a sense of love, belonging and often times a giddiness and amazement regarding the following of Love.

A recent film that brought this home to me was the 2011 Steven Spielberg science fiction movie, Super 8.  Starring Joel Courtney, Elle Fanning and Kyle Chandler, the story is about a group of teenagers who are filming their own Super 8 movie to be entered in a local film festival. While shooting the film, a passing train offers a great fx op. Instead of enhancing the fx, the train derails when a truck drives in its path. Massive explosions result from the derailment,  followed by an annihilating destruction leaving scattered wreckage that can now only be described as undiscernible. But from one of the train cars, something escaped.

In the aftermath of the wreck, the teenagers, who survived, find strange white cubes littered over the landscape. These little white cubes turn out to be the belongings of the something, that escaped from the train car. Dubbed  ”Cooper” and described as an extraterrestrial alien spider whose spaceship craft crashed to the earth in 1958, his plan was to use the white cubes called shapeshifters to rebuild his craft and return home.

But rebuilding “Cooper’s” space craft was instead, interrupted when he was captured, imprisoned and tortured by the Air Force who wanted to steal the alien’s technology. Prevented from his pursuit of getting home, ”Cooper” became angry and destructive to humans. Through  the telepathic connection of one of the teenagers, named Joe, was it learned that “Cooper” only wanted to return home – where he belonged.  Connection established, Joe was able to communicate with “Cooper” the compassionate assurance that not everyone was trying to hurt him and he had the permission to build his spaceship to go home – which he does.

The film is a great one to watch, full of entertaining action, suspense and fun for ages 13 and up in my opinion. It brings to light to the realities of life – loss, longing, feeling unaccepted, alone and in pain. It demonstrates as well that without compassion to heal wounds, defense mechanisms of hostility, anger, control, withdrawal, distance and cutoff run rampant.  But with the gift of compassion comes safety, acceptance, trust and vulnerability.  And with those gifts come forgiveness – the very starting of over again. It is the freedom to begin and to keep going –   to be, to do and to find the love we long for. And really, doesn’t that also mean we find our way back home again?

Below is a poem sent to me by Tobi Fishel Ph.D. entitled Instruction in Joy, by Nancy Shaffer. It is about the need, the joy and the hope of starting over.

Because we spill not only milk
Knocking it over with an elbow
When we reach to wipe a small face
But also spill seed on soil we thought was fertile but isn’t
And also spill whole lives, and only later see in fading light
How much is gone and we hadn’t intended it
Because we tear not only cloth
Thinking to find a true edge and instead making only a hole
But also tear friendships when we grow
And whole mountainsides because they are so many
And we want to live right where black oaks lived,
Once very quietly and still
Because we forget not only what we are doing in the kitchen
And have to go back to the room we were in before,
Remember why it was we left
But also forget entire lexicons of joy
And how we lost ourselves for hours
Yet all that time were clearly found and held
And also forget the hungry not at our table
Because we weep not only at jade plants caught in freeze
And precious papers left in rain
But also at legs that no longer walk
Or never did, although from the outside they look like most others
And also weep at words said once as though
they might be rearranged but which
Once loose, refuse to return and we are helpless
Because we are imperfect and love so
Deeply we will never have enough days,
We need the gift of starting over, beginning
Again: Just this constant good, this
Saving hope.

I wish you all a blessed New Year of  forgiveness and the joy of  the starting of over again and taking another run at …the many facets of life.

For the Support of Your Life
for the Many Sides of Life
Paulette Jackson MA
facets@bellsouth.net

The thoughts and opinions expressed in The Conversant Counselor’s Blog are those belonging to Paulette Jackson MA and do not necessarily reflect those of any other professional or individual.

 

A Christmas Invitation

 

 

It came from the adjoining bedroom.  A voice called, summoning Ebenezer Scrooge out of his sleep.  “Come in Ebenezer Scrooge! I await you!” Another yet annoying interruption, foretold in a dream of hallucinating proportions was rudely disrupting his sleep. It was also threatening to sabotage the safety measures he had taken on behalf of his heart; to defend it with resilient callous, buffered from pain – like that he was currently experiencing with in his soul; a confrontation with three mediums in the form of specters, ghosts of his past, present and future, apparently sent to insure the removal of the substantial gauntlet surrounding his heart and to introduce him to a life for celebration, which up until this point, was quite unfamiliar.

 Reluctant and fearful, Scrooge obeys.  Entering the adjoining bedroom, he is met with the laughter of welcome, by one wearing a velvet robe, a wreath adorning his head and surrounded by a table abundant with food and drink. And this ghost, named the Spirit of Christmas Present, who has called Ebenezer by name, extends to him an invitation of welcome to the joy and the sacrament of life, and He does so by saying, “Come in! Come and know me better!”

This Christmas is finally here. In the midst of wrapping up the year, no doubt there will be ruminations and worries about the past, the present and the future. My hope for you is, like Ebenezer Scrooge, you will find any callous of heart, softened because the Author of life has called you by name. It is my hope as well that you experience a wonder of newness in response to the same One, who enjoys you and welcomes you with open arms and laughter saying “Come in! I await you!”

A very Merry Christmas to all of you!

facet for life: Know the true nature of your Beloved in His loving eyes your every thought, word and movement is always, always, beautiful. ~ Hafiz

For the Support of Your Life
 For the Many Sides of Life.
Paulette Jackson MA

The thoughts and opinions expressed in The Conversant Counselor’s Blog are those belonging to Paulette Jackson MA and do not necessarily reflect those of any other individual or professional.

The Companion

For any that may be dealing with loss during this holiday season and wondering about God’s attendance in the affairs of life, I hope this poem offers helpful perspective of a tabernacle and sanctuary of hope.

The Companion
~ Paulette Jackson

I understand you have known sorrow and loss
The countless days of unrelenting anguish
continue their tally of accumulating despair
and register in your soul

I see you standing there,
The gaze from your eyes and a faint smile of invitation
couches an offer of comfort. The pain is too deep.

The salve of healing and the gauze of protection
 have muffled the cries of torment
The bandages are clean, revealing only repair, remedy
so the bleeding goes unnoticed

A look of reserve paints your appearance for others
whose sorrow has passed
and whose company has been taken from you.

But you do not take leave of your burdens
For since the beginning
you have shared intimately,
so they have travelled with you.

You, the dancer,
whose understanding of the music once mentored others -
with skillful motion and feet so secure -
now stumble and falter as broken and unfitting

Is this the tender hand of The One who has called,
a feeling rough and harsh…a painful touch called Love?

“There is nothing lost that cannot be found” whispers the voice of the poet
with this borage drink offering from the Queene

Hell’s fires redeem the wilderness
leaving smoke to hedge sorrow
and the promise of a dwelling comes in a cloud.

Stillness is the sanctuary
that conveys us
to undoing – to end -
and to the full embrace of finding …beginning

 

For the Support of Your Life
Fore the Many Sides of Life
Paulette Jackson
facets@bellsouth.net

 

The thoughts and opinions expressed in The Conversant Counselor’s blog are those belonging to Paulette Jackson MA and do not necessarily reflect those of any other professional or individual.

Entering Sanctuary.

 

Come climb the hill with me
Come and be still with me
Come watch the sun sink away
If you will with me

Into the peace of these wild things
Into the wild of this grace
Into this grace of this blessing
Speak in the peace of this place
~Andrew Petersen

The Christmas season has begun as of a few days ago, ushered in at midnight when the flag signaling the arrival of Black Friday dropped and thousands of racing competitors around the country bolted through the gates of starting barrier doors of local retail outlets in a “run for the boses” electronics hoping to be fast enough to acquire one of the limited quantities of advertised items and then successfully cross the finish line at the checkout winning the paper medal of a register receipt for “getting a huge discount” on their “stuff”.

And now we turn our attention to celebrating the peace of Christmas, the birth of a redeemer and the hope of mankind in a season we often refer to as – sanctuary – a term generally defined as a place of safety and refuge, although ironically appears historically and culturally to be more closely associated with conflict and chaos.

 Looking at Greek Mythology, Jewish and Christian history, we can read that sanctuary has consistently been expressed in worship to communicate with various gods or the one God, for the purpose of finding wisdom in remaining true to one’s beliefs, even when forbidden to do so by opposition.

According to Greek mythology, the genesis of the world is explained as that of chaos. The birth of cultural gods, heroes and monsters created a theogany of characters helping to explain the origin of human woes in a comprehensive and literal myth. Out of belief in these myths, many sanctuaries of refuge for worship of the Greek gods were built.

In Jewish history we understand that the corresponding holiday to the protestant Christmas, is Hanukkah, in memory of deliverance from Greek-Syrian invaders, who defiled the Temple of Jerusalem leaving only enough oil to light the temple menorah for only one day. In faith the lamps were lit. Miraculously they burned for eight days until more oil could be brought to the temple, a sign that God honored faith and courage of the people. The temple, which embodies the Jewish faith and concept of sanctuary, was restored.

The Jewish/Hebrew term for sanctuary is DIVRI, meaning orator and consisting of the Hebrew letters dalet, yud, beit and resh. The combination of the four letters gives us a larger picture of the word sanctuary.

• Dalet means door or opening. The letter’s construction is shaped with meaning of loving-kindness and wisdom.
• Yud means hand. It symbolizes wisdom developing into understanding.
• Beit means home or container, a picture of a house being built with wisdom and suggesting a foundation of wealth, seed, life, dominance, peace and grace by the One who has known cared for and transformed.
• Resh, literally means,  there is a beginning. It suggests the meticulousness of work and the means by which God created the universe.

Putting the meaning of these letters together, we have a picture of sanctuary as a sacred place. It exists as a foundation for how we build our lives. It is this foundation that houses the spirit of the One who has guided with loving-kindness and wisdom from the beginning and continues to be our beginning – each time we enter sanctuary. 

From a Christian or Protestant perspective, this season is celebrated as Christmas, the birth of Spiritual sanctuary, the day the long-awaited arrival of the prophesied Son of God, and Prince of Peace, Jesus, came to the world in the tiny town of Bethlehem. He is recognized as the promised Savior Who would redeem humanity from sin through His death and open the door to eternal life as mediator beweeen God and man.

He came in the midst of chaos – tax season – where everyone had to show up to be counted. No pardons were available, not even for even the mother of Jesus, who at the time, was about to give birth. Born in a barn and cradled in a feeding trough, this gift to humanity became familiar with unjust accommodations that would surround him, not only at birth, but for the rest of His life. During His short time on earth He brought love, compassion and the message of eternal hope to the humanity He came to save. To the political authorities, He brought threat, and they would vow from His birth, to avenge this competitor with death. And 33 years after His birth, a cruel death was accomplished.

It was a crucifixion that found this Son of God, Redeemer and Lover of mankind, hung up on a cross beam dropped in a hole in the ground like a fence post setting. He was laughed at, spat on, stabbed and broken, so onlookers could jeer that  – while He save others, Himself He could not save. And the cry heard from the so called political threat and the one offering eternal sanctuary for His judgers, “Father, forgive them, they don’t know what they are doing”.

And so yes, this is the season of sanctuary. Whether we celebrate it as the story of Christmas, Hanukkah or Renewal, the message of the story is familiar across culture and history. Life is demanding, hard and crowded with difficulty and pain.  Life is also full of hope and redemption in the midst of difficulty and pain. And in every story, we find the provision of sanctuary, a place of peace wherever we are, no matter how small it may be.

In the children’s book series, A Series of Unfortunate Events, by author Daniel Handler, we learn the story of the Baudelaire youngsters, three children orphaned after a house fire killed their parents. Their story is not a happy one. “Not only is there no happy ending, there is no happy beginning and very few happy things in the middle. This is because not very many happy things happened the lives of the three Baudelaire youngsters.” But – these children were the sort of children who knew there was always something – something to do to make a sanctuary – no matter how small.

As the Christmas season begins, there are those we know and those we love whose lives are not happy ones. I imagine each of us could name a sadness or a difficulty present in our lives. It is my hope that as we enter this season that in many ways may be filled with its own chaos, that you will join me into the peace of these wild things, into the wild of this grace and know the  blessing of this sacred season of sanctuary…no matter how small.

Facet for Life:

Could Be Lifted 
~Hafiz
If you knew the end of your story, nothing on any page – not one of your dramas, could bother you as much

If you knew the glorious end of your journey, at least half of your attention could be lifted from anything you can now focus on that may cause you pain

His hand is like that, when it is realized near, it will always turn your gaze in the direction of more light

For the Support of Your Life
For the Many Sides of Life
Paulette Jackson MA
facets@bellsouth.net

The sunset image above may be found at www.hikingnature.com
The art image of the Hebrew word DIVRI may be found at Hebrewletters.com by Sarah Leah

The thoughts and opinions expressed in The Conversant Counselor’s Blog are those belonging to Paulette Jackson MA and do not necessarily reflect those of any other professional or individual.